Identifying Your Discussion-Busters

Excerpts from Making Healthy Families

Making Healthy Families


By Gayle Peterson, Ph.D.

Copyright 1996-2003.  Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.


The following exercise will help you develop strategies for having meaningful discussions rather than alienating arguments.

How did your parents resolve conflict? Can you identify any patterns that might have been used or learned in your childhood experience that are not satisfactory?

Consider: Attack-withdrawal/withdrawal-attack syndrome
Did one partner withdraw from discussion repeatedly? If so, the other may have attacked in an attempt to continue the discussion but to no avail. Or the attack could have come first, with the withdrawal reinforcing an unsuccessful and furious pursuit. What did your parents demonstrate to you in their marriage? What do you do in your marriage when under emotional pressure?

Consider: Blow-ups as a way to stop discussions
Did you learn, either by parental example, or deference to your own angry outbursts (as a child) to gain control of a situation by becoming emotionally "explosive", contemptuous or in any other way, intimidating?

Consider: Placating to stop discussion
Did you learn to say "yes" to keep the peace in the short term, only to renege on your agreement by doing "no", causing greater distress and broken promises in the long run?

Consider: Discounting, teasing, whining, flippancy, sarcasm or nagging
Did you learn to block discussion and consideration of your partner's viewpoint through discounting, teasing or repeatedly flippant or sarcastic remarks? Did you to learn to " nag" unsuccessfully rather than present your point of view with self-respect and an expectation for full discussion of the problem?

We all learned some form of unsuccessful communication and usually we resort only one or two primary culprits. What are yours?

 

Consider your own patterns and the patterns present in your relationship. Ask your partner to do the same. Can you identify patterns that block discussions in your marriage?

Tendencies/Patterns I resort to when under stress:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

Patterns that block discussions and resolving problems in our marriage:

__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________


Return to Dr. Gayle Peterson's Home Page


Copyright 1996-2003.  Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.

Send Comments and Inquiries to Dr. Gayle Peterson at gp@askdrgayle.com