Overcoming Destructive
Communication Patterns
By Gayle Peterson, Ph.D.
Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
Once you have considered the communication you may
"default" to when under pressure, develop strategies that
help you change these self-defeating behaviors as they occur.
Research in learning shows that we often develop our
behaviors within highly aroused emotional states. Researchers call
this "state dependent" learning. When we are not in these
highly aroused states, our reasoning can prevail. It is when we are
in the charged emotional experience that we find ourselves acting
differently than we want to act or behave!
It is crucial that we re-learn these behaviors in
the highly aroused state, if we are to succeed in communicating effectively
under stress. Therefore, it is necessary to give yourself "cues"
to help you begin to change your learned behavior while you are upset.
Develop your strategy now! If you usually withdraw
from a heated discussion by walking out of the room rather than express
yourself with "I" statements, for example, consider:
Strategy #1
Take ten deep breaths and stay in the room rather than withdrawing
in a ‘huff". Remind yourself that you are safe and you
can take your time to calmly express what you feel. Use your "I"
statements now!
Strategy #2
If you do walk out in a huff -- Come back to the room as soon as possible
and try again. Your partner may appreciate your return, if it is a
new behavior to him/her during an argument. This change may open the
door for more productive discussion.
Strategy #3
If you have not been able to return to the discussion, promise yourself
that you will after you have had time to calm down. Remind yourself
that your goal is to return to it. If at all possible communicate
this to your partner.." I am too upset to talk right now. I need
to discuss this with you when I am calmer."
Strategy #4
Apologize when you have behaved or communicated in any of the ways
that you have identified as destructive or blocking to your partner.
Keep it brief and simple..."I am sorry for discounting your experience.
I am working on being a better listener. That was an unfair tactic".
Personal strategies for change
Consider your personal patterns which stop or block
continuous and successful flow of productive discussion and compromise.
If you attack, or "blow up" rather than withdraw, consider
taking a walk around the block and coming back to the discussion when
you are able to calm down and use "I" statements, listen
to your partner, as well as be heard.
If you say "yes" to avoid short term discomfort
but do not follow through on your promises, develop a strategy to
anticipate and remind yourself of the problems you will experience
in the future by not doing what you say. Develop written cues as reminders
and place them where you can refer to when tensions rise. Use them
to reflect on what is realistic before making your next promise.
If you discount your partner's feelings or viewpoints,
develop a strategy for refraining from doing so to get your point
made. Develop written cues to remind you to listen and empathize rather
than dismiss your partner. Be willing to use written reminders to
short circuit sarcasm and develop alternative verbal expressions which
require a compromise be discussed and achieved, to replace ceaseless
and ineffective "nagging".
Strategies to help you break patterns of attack,
blame, stonewalling, discounting, withdrawal, flippancy, sulking or
other methods of distraction
1. Write down your personal self-defeating patterns/ways
of communicating:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
2. Write down your personal strategies for changing
this pattern:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
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Try these six ideas to help break old patterns
of communication:
1. Count to ten and take a few deep breaths as you
do so to block your identified self-defeating pattern and slow down
your tendency to react.
2. Remind yourself that you can use "I"
statements, rather than the old patterns.
3. Use "I" statements as a tool to communicate
what you mean rather than react with patterns that block discussion.
4. Communicate if you need a "cooling off"
break from a discussion in order to continue it later.
5. Apologize when you have fallen into old patterns
and correct your approach
6. Use written cues to remind you to block your destructive
methods and utilize healthy communication techniques
Remember....
Apologies help you to change! And they can feel good
to you as well as your partner. A sense of mastery and self-esteem
will replace self-defeating patterns of "being right". Try
it. You will not be disappointed! Gaining a sense of responsibility
actually gives you the feeling of being "in control" rather
than "out of control" of the situation.
Remember that you are changing! Pat yourself (and
your partner) on the back when you see a step made in the right direction,
even if your destination is not completely in view.
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