Tip Sheet:
Five Dimensions of Family Health
created by Gayle
Peterson, including
Excerpts from Making
Healthy Families
1. The ability to express anger without denying
love.
Children as well as adults need to be accepted for
the full range of human expression to feel loved. Conditional love
involves an emotional disconnection when anger arises. An inclusive
love accepts anger without emotional disconnection. (Practice saying
to your children, “ I do love you and I am very angry about
your actions.” Parents find that by saying this out loud to
young children, they can actually feel the difference of their emotional
love AND anger simultaneously in their physical bodies. Both they
and their child are reassured, and anger can be expressed without
the emotional withdrawal which so often accompanied our own childhood
experiences. Once you have mastered this response with your children,
try it with your spouse when the opportunity arises!) Can members
of your family express anger without emotional withdrawal or lashing
out?
2. The ability to accept differences in opinions
and feelings.
Psychological safety is created in an atmosphere that
does not discount or denigrate an individual for his or her opinion,
but does allow for the passionate expression of differences. This
sets the stage for effective conflict resolution, too. Problems can
be solved and compromises reached when empathy develops out of safe
and full expression of differences. Is there “room” for
different viewpoints and opinions in your family?
3. The ability for clear and direct communication
that allows feelings to be expressed separately from action.
It is safe to have feelings when these feelings are
acceptable to have and not “acted out” on a family member.
Families that develop an atmosphere which tolerates ambivalent feelings
accepts the realities of the human experience. For example: A mother
may feel disappointed that she cannot attend a social gathering of
her colleagues due to family responsibilities. Her feelings of disappointment
can be expressed (and met with empathy) as she chooses to forgo her
event. By making room for “unpopular” feelings, resentment
and guilt are more likely to be replaced by appreciation and a fair
sense of “give and take” in the future. Is there “room”
for feelings in your family?
4. The ability for family members to depend
on the larger community.
Families do not exist in isolation. Resources outside
of the family must be incorporated into family life for children and
adults to feel a part of a larger “whole” and to acquire
needed resources for development. A family atmosphere that is supported
by outside forces, such as a father’s group for a new father,
or a mother’s group for the mom allows for affiliations and
outlets for life’s frustrations which may otherwise result in
internalized pressure in the family.
Friendships, hobbies and activities which help us
release tension gives us more of a buffer in our daily lives with
those who are most intimate to us. Though we develop family “spirit”
and togetherness, it must be balanced with a support network that
extends beyond the family. How healthy is your community network?
Do you have close friendships (other than your spouse, for example)
that you can talk to when you feel down or pressured? Men are particularly
vulnerable to ignoring the need to develop male friendships and may
overburden their marriage with ALL of their emotional needs. If you
are a single parent, who do you turn to for discussion of your own
ups and downs and troubles that naturally arise in relationship with
your children?
5. The ability to gradually hand over age-appropriate
decision-making to growing children and support independence.
In a healthy family system, support to eventually
separate from the family is not viewed as a betrayal, but a natural
resolution to a child’s growth. Connection allows for a child’s
growing development away from the family, and healthy family connection
continues when there is a slow and evolving change towards adult friendship,
which gradually replaces parental-child interactions. Families sometimes
“get stuck” in negative parental-child relationship patterns
when parental responsibility is abrogated too early, or a child’s
growing independent decision-making is discouraged. Finding a healthy
balance is the key to maintaining healthy connections to your children
over a lifetime! How did your parents do? Did they maintain a vibrant
relationship with you through your adult years? How do you envision
your relationship with your children as adults?
 Go
to: Characteristics of Healthy Family Relationships
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