Breaking Old Patterns of Communication Tip sheet Excerpts from Making Healthy Families By Gayle Peterson, Ph.D. Copyright 1996-2003.  Gayle Peterson All rights reserved. Put this strategy sheet up on your refrigerator or somewhere that will remind you of how to break destructive behavioral patterns of attack, blame, stonewalling, discounting, withdrawal, flippancy, sulking or other methods of distraction. 1. self-defeating patterns/ways of communicating: __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ 2. personal strategies for changing this pattern: __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ five ideas to help break destructive patterns: 1. Count to ten and take a few deep breaths as you do so to block your identified self-defeating pattern and slow down your tendency to react. 2. Remind yourself that you can use "I" statements, rather than the old patterns. 3. Use "I" statements as a tool to communicate what you mean rather than react with patterns that block discussion. 4. Communicate if you need a "cooling off" break from a discussion in order to continue it later. 5. Apologize when you have fallen into old patterns and correct your approach Congratulations! You have just completed an on-line course in what contributes to healthy patterns of communication. For the latest research on what contributes to healthy family relationships and promoting satisfying connections in your family, read: "Making Healthy Families" Making Healthy Families explains the elements required to make and sustain healthy, functional families. This timely book describes the family life stages, from "Becoming a Couple," to "Becoming Parents," to "Raising Adolescents" and "Launching Children." It educates about the predictable stresses of each stage of development, and offers guidelines and hands-on exercises for achieving a healthy adjustment in each stage of family life. A chapter on “Trouble Shooting” offers couples an opportunity to plot their own predictable stress points on the family journey, thereby allowing them to better master their particular life struggles. A chapter on “Divorce: Crisis and Transformation” offers advice to parents for helping their children and themselves through trying times. A chapter on “Stepfamilies” provides wisdom about the stages of stepfamily development that make remarriage rewarding, helping families avoid the pitfalls that cause over half of second marriages to fail. Learn what makes families work—from structure and communication to family style and characteristics of healthy marital relationships. Cutting edge research is enlivened through real-life questions about marriage, family, and parenting that have been answered by Dr. Peterson Review: "Peterson covers all stages of the family unit from becoming a couple to raising teenagers in order to help parents understand and efficiently negotiate the normal, varied stages of the family life cycle. Of special value is a chapter on troubleshooting tips to help parents anticipate their own predictable stress points on the family life cycle. Making Healthy Families is highly recommended for parents at all stages of parenthood, marriage and family counselors, as well as students of psychology." _____ - Wisconsin Book Watch, March 2000 What Readers are Saying: "Your assessment of the situation was right on target. Thank you for the practical and meaningful advice." -Peg "Your advice column is really terrific. The stepfamily and divorce articles are helping me a lot!" -Ann "Congratulations on the wonderful job you are doing on the web. I have been following your responses to the many questions people ask you and I think that your answers are intelligent and wise. I am learning so much!” -Adriana Bibliography and Resources The askdrgayle.com service area is designed for educational purposes only. You should not rely on this information as a substitute for personal medical or mental health attention, diagnosis or treatment. If you are concerned about your health or that of a child's, please consult your family's health care provider immediately. Disclaimer: The accuracy or completeness of any information contained on this site is not guaranteed. As such, the columnist is not responsible for any errors or omissions or for the results obtained from the use of such information. The author of such articles shall not be liable or responsible to any person or entity for any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly by the information or ideas contained, suggested, or referenced on this site.   Return to Dr. Gayle Peterson's Home Page   Copyright 1996-2003.  Gayle Peterson All rights reserved. Send Comments and Inquiries to Dr. Gayle Peterson at gp@askdrgayle.com