Identifying Your Discussion-Busters
By Gayle Peterson, Ph.D.
Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
The following exercise will help you develop strategies
for having meaningful discussions rather than alienating arguments.
How did your parents resolve conflict? Can you identify
any patterns that might have been used or learned in your childhood
experience that are not satisfactory?
Consider: Attack-withdrawal/withdrawal-attack
syndrome
Did one partner withdraw from discussion repeatedly? If so, the other
may have attacked in an attempt to continue the discussion but to
no avail. Or the attack could have come first, with the withdrawal
reinforcing an unsuccessful and furious pursuit. What did your parents
demonstrate to you in their marriage? What do you do in your marriage
when under emotional pressure?
Consider: Blow-ups as a way to stop discussions
Did you learn, either by parental example, or deference to your own
angry outbursts (as a child) to gain control of a situation by becoming
emotionally "explosive", contemptuous or in any other way,
intimidating?
Consider: Placating to stop discussion
Did you learn to say "yes" to keep the peace in the short
term, only to renege on your agreement by doing "no", causing
greater distress and broken promises in the long run?
Consider: Discounting, teasing, whining, flippancy,
sarcasm or nagging
Did you learn to block discussion and consideration of your partner's
viewpoint through discounting, teasing or repeatedly flippant or sarcastic
remarks? Did you to learn to " nag" unsuccessfully rather
than present your point of view with self-respect and an expectation
for full discussion of the problem?
We all learned some form of unsuccessful communication
and usually we resort only one or two primary culprits. What are yours?
Consider your own patterns and the patterns present
in your relationship. Ask your partner to do the same. Can you identify
patterns that block discussions in your marriage?
Tendencies/Patterns I resort to when under stress:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
Patterns that block discussions and resolving problems
in our marriage:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
|
Go
to: