Dating Guidelines for Single Moms
QUESTION: I am a single
mom of a three-year-old boy. I have just begun to date. I am afraid
my son won't want to "share" me with anyone. What is the best way
to introduce a date to my son and when is it appropriate for me
to do so?
ANSWER: When you
are comfortable, introduce your date to your son as a "new friend."
Friendship is not only the foundation of a viable marriage, but something
your child understands! All new friendships do not continue, but good
ones evolve. You cannot know the future, so just stay with the present.
First, there is no magic time frame for an introduction.
After all, it is important that your son realizes that you need friends
-- males and females that are your own age. Just as your son has his
preschool friends, he will understand that you need adult friendships,
too. It is not a matter of competition, so jealousy is lessened from
the start.
Second, maintain appropriate boundaries during the
dating process in order to protect your child from primary attachment
to someone who may just be passing through. It is not the specific amount
of time, but the nature of the commitment that evolves between you and
a boyfriend that should determine the relationship between your child
and a significant other.
Keep your dating life relatively separate from your
family life until you know someone well enough to feel they would be
a good friend to your son. Start off slowly with limited activities
like going to the zoo or having a picnic. Do not assign parental responsibilities
to a boyfriend. Wait until there is a clear commitment to the relationship
and potential for marriage before considering deepening the involvement
with your son.
Finally, answer your child's questions as honestly
as possible. For example, one single mother had been dating a man for
six months. The relationship had become a committed boyfriend-girlfriend
relationship. The boyfriend became acquainted with her three-year-old
son and they liked each other. They had been to the zoo and enjoyed
contact around reading books and having breakfast together. One day,
when her son wanted to play his educational computer game between bites,
his mother was talking to him about the importance of sitting down to
dinner together. She told him that family members are special to one
another and having dinner together was a special time to be together
in families. He took this opportunity to ask her if her boyfriend was
a part of their family. She said "no," he was a good family friend.
This mom's answer clarifies boundaries. She refrained
from setting up false expectations by blurring the line between friendship
and family, even though her son and boyfriend were clearly developing
affection for one another. When, and if, her boyfriend and she do commit
to marriage, he would then be invited into the family with responsibilities
and expectations for full membership!
Of course friendships are important, but it is important
that you protect your child from getting overly involved with men who
may appear as caring parental figures to a child only to disappear later.
When in doubt, err on the side of caution.
Gayle
Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing
in prenatal and family development. She trains professionals in
her prenatal counseling model and is the author of An
Easier Childbirth, Birthing
Normally and her latest book, Making
Healthy Families. Her articles on family relationships
appear in professional journals and she is an oft-quoted expert
in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Mothering and
Parenting. . She also serves on the advisory board
for Fit Pregnancy Magazine.
Dr. Gayle Peterson has written family columns for ParentsPlace.com, igrandparents.com, the Bay Area's Parents Press newspaper and the Sierra Foothill's Family Post. She has also hosted a live radio show, "Ask Dr. Gayle" on www.ivillage.com, answering questions on family relationships and parenting. Dr. Peterson has appeared on numerous radio and television interviews including Canadian broadcast as a family and communications expert in the twelve part documentary "Baby's Best Chance". She is former clinical director of the Holistic Health Program at John F. Kennedy University in Northern California and adjunct faculty at the California Institute for Integral Studies in San Francisco. A national public speaker on women's issues and family development, Gayle Peterson practices psychotherapy in Oakland, California and Nevada City, California. She also offers an online certification training program in Prenatal Counseling and Birth Hypnosis. Gayle and is a wife, mother of two adult children and a proud grandmother of three lively boys and one sparkling granddaughter.
Return
to Dr. Gayle Peterson's Home Page
Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
Send Comments and Inquiries to Dr. Gayle Peterson at gp@askdrgayle.com
|
