I Caught my Teen
Looking at a Porn Site
QUESTION: I
caught my thirteen-year-old son looking at porn sites on the Internet.
He completely denied it. We do not have access to the net in our home.
At the time we were visiting his future stepfather. Although I am
aware that my son's behavior is probably normal and it is most likely
not the first time, how should I handle this?
ANSWER: This is not an issue of
"normalcy" but of guidance. A focus on his behavior as normal may lead
you to ignore, rather than influence, your son's development at this
critical juncture.
Your son depends on you to care and to act in his best
interests. Acknowledge his ability to act independently and secretly,
but tell him you do not want him to engage in viewing pornography. Be
willing to take action to help prevent illegal and inappropriate viewing.
Talk with your son's future stepfather to block these sites from use
by children and consider talking with the parents of your son's friends
who have internet access. Discuss whether these sites should be blocked
and let your son know why you are doing so. But do not stop there.
- Have a discussion with your son. As our children
grow, we are less able to control their actions, or their environment.
The teen years usher in a time in which we must switch gears in parenting.
Very often, parents simply give up, rather than establish a new relationship
with their teenager. Adolescence is a time of exploration as sexual
feelings emerge. Teens are still in need of guidance!
- Let your son know that lying about the issue will
not make it go away. Your insistence on discussing this matter
should be gentle, but firm. Take his side, by letting him know that
he will encounter many things in the adult world (now that he is growing
older) that you want to be able to discuss with him. Tell him that
you want to establish an avenue of communication that allows input
from you, so that he will make decisions in his best interest.
- Share your concerns with your son. Explain
that you are concerned that viewing this kind of material before he
has even experienced healthy sexuality may be detrimental to developing
a respectful and healthy relationship with his own body. Acknowledge
that you cannot stop him from finding avenues of access to such material
if he insists on it, but that you will do what you can to direct him
away from it because you have his best interests at heart. Adopt a
factual, rather than punitive tone in setting these boundaries and
open the avenue for discussion about sex.
- Do not shy away from sharing your view of healthy
sex. Let your son know that you feel that sharing his body in
an intimate and sexual way should be based on trust and caring in
a relationship. Ask your son why he is visiting these sites. Is he
drawn to them because they are forbidden? Does he have any other outlets
for his curiosity about sex? Make yourself available to him for questions.
Let him know there are books available that describe healthy sexuality,
if he is interested in pictures and information.
- The key to staying connected. Communicating
with your child in his teen years, is an aid to change your relationship
into one of guidance, instead of absolute control. Make time to talk
with your son. Tell him that you would like to have lunch with him
and discuss some important subjects. Let him know that you respect
his privacy, but that you must establish honest communication. Show
him that lying will not get you off his back, but honest discussion
will. Curiosity is normal. Seek to understand the true nature and
motivation for your son's behavior and use this event as an opportunity
to create discussions, rather than avoid them.
Gayle
Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing
in prenatal and family development. She trains professionals in
her prenatal counseling model and is the author of An
Easier Childbirth, Birthing
Normally and her latest book, Making
Healthy Families. Her articles on family relationships
appear in professional journals and she is an oft-quoted expert
in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Mothering and
Parenting. . She also serves on the advisory board
for Fit Pregnancy Magazine.
Dr. Gayle Peterson has written family columns for ParentsPlace.com, igrandparents.com, the Bay Area's Parents Press newspaper and the Sierra Foothill's Family Post. She has also hosted a live radio show, "Ask Dr. Gayle" on www.ivillage.com, answering questions on family relationships and parenting. Dr. Peterson has appeared on numerous radio and television interviews including Canadian broadcast as a family and communications expert in the twelve part documentary "Baby's Best Chance". She is former clinical director of the Holistic Health Program at John F. Kennedy University in Northern California and adjunct faculty at the California Institute for Integral Studies in San Francisco. A national public speaker on women's issues and family development, Gayle Peterson practices psychotherapy in Oakland, California and Nevada City, California. She also offers an online certification training program in Prenatal Counseling and Birth Hypnosis. Gayle and is a wife, mother of two adult children and a proud grandmother of three lively boys and one sparkling granddaughter.
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