QUESTION:
Things change in a marriage after raising children for many years. I
think it was once called the 20 year fracture! My husband and I made
the mistake of giving our entire beings to our children. I was a stay
at home Mom and now find myself without a life. Literally, I don't know
how to get the joy back I once had. I don't feel good about myself at
all. I know what I should do, but I can't seem to get myself going.
My husband has his career and I feel left behind. I'm stuck and it affects
my marriage in a big way. I still have a highschool junior at home,
but he needs his independence and I need a life of my own. What to do?
ANSWER: Your feeling of "being without a life" now that your
children are leaving home is not simply due to being a stay at home
Mom. I have had a career throughout raising my children and when both
of my children left for college, I felt a huge hole in my life. In the
two years following their departure I felt lost and somewhat aimless
even though I loved my work!
You have spent 20 years in a primary nurturing role
in the family. Because you have done such a terrific job, your children
are striking out on their own. You recognize this and support it,
but it does leave a void in your life to fill.
Being in touch with your children's needs on a daily
basis, loving them and caring for them is a vitally important part
of life as a mother, whether you work outside the home or not. The
nurturing you give also nourishes and rewards you in the circle of
that love. Living together is an intimate connection we take for granted.
Grieving their daily presence is natural and inevitable if you have
connected deeply. Other feelings of joy, relief and pleasure related
to this change may also occur. However the overall adjustment is one
of loss for the daily intimacy and structure in your life that having
children at home provides.
Family life gives us a way to organize our lives.
And healthy family relationships require that you derive meaning from
being involved in your children's lives. This is what gives them the
sustenance to become independent. You cannot protect yourself from
this loss. If you've done your job well, you will hurt! But the good
news is that your life will also change and evolve. You are entering
a life transition and it feels like one, with all the ambiguity and
uncertainty that is a part of a major life change. Transitions by
nature are "liminal". That is, they are without form, literally taken
from the Latin to mean "on the threshold" between things.
Murray Stein in his book, "In Midlife" describes
liminality to be a period of "unformedness" likened to being the elements
of life before life itself is created. It is a time before creativity,
but essential to the birth of new forms. A place of the "naked soul".
Despair and a sense of emptiness are common reactions while traveling
through transitions of any kind. But it is also a place of struggle
towards the birth of a new form of identity.
You are in the family life cycle stage of "launching
children". Talk with your husband about mourning this change in the
structure of life you have shared together for so long. He is bound
to have feelings about children being gone from the home as well.
Share your grieving even though it will be different for each of you.
One of the tasks of this period is the re-negotiation of the couples'
relationship. Emotional support from your husband is important now.
Spend time together. Take walks or do things you may not have been
able to do because of the demands of raising children. Weekends away
are important. Getting reacquainted to one another without the interaction
of the children between you will help to establish a new kind of relationship.
Start courting each other again. And don't be surprised if you feel
shy or awkward at first.
Using the support of husband and friends can be the
spring board to exploring new interests and activities or rekindle
old interests left behind in the process of raising a family. The
fact that you know what to do, but just can't seem to get yourself
to do it is an indication that you are mourning. Allow yourself a
period of mourning as a part of this transition. When you acknowledge
your grief as appropriate and a natural part of life change, you will
be less likely to blame yourself for past choices. You are not hurting
because you were a stay at home Mom. You are grieving because you
love and have cared for your children well and now need to let go.
Turn all of the loving care you have given to others
on yourself now. This may be an excellent time to engage in some personal
therapy or marital therapy to get support in exploring your options.
A woman's support group may also serve you during this transition.
It usually takes about two years to reestablish structure in your
life, so be patient. You will not always feel this way and each day,
week and month will lighten your sorrow and consolidate your new sense
of self, including rewarding adult relationships with your grown children.
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