QUESTION:
My husband left me this year and I feel so depressed. I don't know if
I can hold up for my boys, who are old enough to know what is going
on. My 15 year old is very worried about me. How can I assure him that
depression is part of the healing?
ANSWER: To help you through this
difficult period seek a support group as well as friends. Groups can
provide the sense of warmth and comfort needed at this time when you
feel the loss of the family as you knew it. Becoming a member of a group
to facilitate your healing can provide a sense of belonging so needed
during this transition. Inclusion in a group will lessen the intensity
of your feelings of rejection. And it will allow for an unfolding of
your grief and the growth that can inevitably arise out of pain.
Explain to your boys that you will recover, but it
is like a snake shedding it's skin. Snakes become very sensitive and
irritable when their new skin is first exposed. You are extremely
sensitive at this time and it is true that your depression is a part
of your healing. They will also be reassured when they see you attending
your own group and/or individual therapy to help you through this
process.
It is also okay to absorb the love and concern your
boys have to give you without overdepending on them for emotional
support. Individual counseling may be critical for understanding the
emotional meaning of your current crisis. Childhood losses that were
unresolved will come up for resolution at this time. You may find
that your grief of separating from your husband has roots in mourning
the loss of an earlier childhood figure. This crisis provides an opening
for working through previous loss at a deeper level, and recreating
a healthier and more whole sense of self.
Defining yourself through the marriage relationship
is natural, but must come up for review and interpretation at this
point in time. Why did you stay with someone who was not desiring
you? What kept you in a marriage in which you were not cherished and
valued? Was there deadness in you to begin with, or was your husband
simply unappreciative of who you were and what you had to give? Perhaps
it was something you were willing to live with because your own childhood
did not create the promise for anything better.
There may be many questions you have that you need
to ask and find your own answers. Stay in contact with others, write
in a journal, draw or paint, but express yourself! Expressing your
pain through art, words or even movement will eventually help to lighten
your depression. Sooner or later you will begin to discover yourself
in a new way. Reach out for help. You deserve it. Use this time to
gently and gradually identify who you are and what you need. With
time, your pain will give birth to self-understanding which holds
the promise of expanding and enriching your future!
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