QUESTION:
I am a new mother. I am one of those young mothers who although always
wanted children never really thought that I would be somebody's "mom".
My husband is ten years older than me and had just gotten out of a very
depressing, bizarre, unhealthy relationship when we met. The woman he
was involved with had a eight year old son when they met. He maintains
that he stayed in the relationship because he didn't think she was a
good mother and grew very attached to the child. Ten years later he
was saturated with her "problems" and separated from her. He said he
always wanted children of his own but never believed he could or would
be able to have them.
Well now he has a new healthy nine week old
and is depressed most of the time. What could he possibly be depressed
about? He has his own child, he has a sane drug free intelligent wife,
he has a nice new home, he knows that his son is being well taken
care of and most of all he knows where I am at all times (an infidelity
issue in his last relationship making this important to him). Whenever
I question him he cannot provide any answers, sometimes he doesn't
answer at all.
I am a no nonsense type of person and I fear
that I will one day walk away from him for my own mental health and
the mental health my son. What should I do?
ANSWER: You are right to be concerned about your husband.
He is expressing symptoms of a depression rooted in his own childhood.
His attraction to his first relationship was to save the little boy
with whom he identified. Now that he has separated himself from this
role in his previous relationship and found a more healthy situation,
he is left to face his own depression.
Your loving care of your infant son provides a stimulus
for your husband to get in touch with his deep neglect. Likely, his
relationship with his own mother resembled the experience of little
boy's he tried to save. Now it is time for him to rescue the little
guy inside! But he will need professional help to do so.
Remind yourself of what qualities you fell in love
with when you met your husband. Remember that he is still the same
person covered in a fog of depression. Realize, too, that he has learned
to walk away from the unhealthy situation in which he was entangled.
Give him credit for recognizing the emotional bankruptcy of his role
in his previous relationship. But require that he seek help for finding
the answers to your very important questions regarding his happiness.
Let him know that you love and care about him, but that his depression
is deadening the relationship.
Your husband's current crisis stems from some sense
of neglect and/or abandonment that was real for him in childhood,
maybe even as early as infancy. Coming to terms with his childhood
relationships to his parents is essential if he is to have energy
available for bonding with his own son. Finding his place as a father
and husband holds promise for being "exactly what the doctor ordered".
However the prescription is not as simple as you expected it to be!
Your adjustment to motherhood is significantly stressful
by itself. You are no doubt experiencing great disappointment in your
partner's ability to nurture you through this period. You will need
support of friends and perhaps other new mothers to help you process
your disappointment. Without appropriate support, you will be prone
to feelings of abandonment and likely to project this disappointment
onto the marriage.
This is a formative transition in your family's development.
If your husband does not treat his depression, you may find that you
feel you have two babies on your hands. Each day this experience persists,
your resentment grows and the marriage is being damaged. Hope can
be gained from taking action. You may experience great relief, when
your husband acknowledges his problem and seeks competent treatment.
Passivity, on the other hand, will almost certainly assure that your
desire to leave will become a reality.
Your husband's healing requires his acceptance of
his problem. If he takes responsibility for his own "rescue" this
time, he has a great family to support him. This much he has changed!
Joining a father's group can actively support his involvement with
his son. And finding a place by your side as a partner may come more
quickly with both group and individual support.
Be patient. Be firm in your need for him to seek
treatment, but do not reject or punish him. And take care of your
needs for support and companionship. Join a new mother's group, seek
out friendships and establish family goals with your husband. Imagine
a possible future together in which you tell the story of how you
successfully addressed this first hurdle together. The key to your
family's development will lie in your ability to help one another,
as well as take responsibility for self-healing. Teamwork is not always
easy, but it can result in feeling bonded in response to problems,
instead of alienated.
Look on this year as a journey in your family's development.
Going up a steep hillside can be difficult, but putting one foot ahead
of another inevitably results in progress towards the top. You may
reach the top by the time you celebrate your son's first birthday,
or you may be half-way or three-quarters of the way there. This first
year as a family may represent the first major challenge for growth
in your relationship. You owe it to your son, and each other to develop
the kind of family you want. See how much can change in the next year,
when you work at it!
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