My Husband Has No
Libido!
QUESTION: My husband
has no libido! We have been dealing with this problem for three years
and I'm at the end of my rope. He has seen two urologists and is now
seeing a therapist, none of whom have been able to help. I have tried
to be patient, but when you only make love about eight times a year
it gets more and more difficult. I've talked with him about how I feel,
but we always end up in an argument. I am desperate and I have even
thought about having an affair. What can I do?
ANSWER: Sex is
often the place in a relationship that we seek validation and a sense
of being "special" to our partner. If you have thought about having
an affair, it is probably not just the amount of sex that is bothering
you. It may be that the quality of the sex you are having is not giving
you a feeling of connectedness that you want with your husband. Have
you thought of going for couples' counseling to a reputable marriage
therapist?
Romance and passion do not begin or end in the bedroom.
What is the quality of your relationship? Are you affectionate with
one another outside the bedroom? Do you feel that your husband has
a special place in his heart for you and no one else? Is the overall
energetic quality of your communication or rapport with one another
passionate or dull? Can you express and resolve anger in your marriage?
Are there any power struggles between you, covert or overt?
Overt power struggles spawn arguments, which if resolved
adequately can add sparkle to a relationship. Covert power struggles
that never surface can deaden passion in a marriage. The hallmark
of these silent struggles are relationships in which all potential
disagreement is masked in compliant behavior. Often, one spouse has
quite strong preferences and the other does not want to make waves
so passively goes along with most of what his or her spouse wants.
Individuality is compromised and sexual desire suffers. Saying no
to sex may become an expression of autonomy and power when all other
areas have been forfeited to keep the peace.
Equality in relationships may also be a critical
area for you and your husband. If a spouse feels their partner is
the one "in control" of the dynamics in the relationship, sex can
suffer. Couples' therapy can help the two of you explore the history
of your relationship and what kind of passion you have had, as well
as what vision each of you carries for the marriage. If romance, power,
communication or other areas of intimacy need attention, you can work
to develop or revitalize them together.
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Gayle Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. She trains professionals in her prenatal counseling model and is the author of An Easier Childbirth, Birthing Normally and her latest book, Making Healthy Families. Her articles on family relationships appear in professional journals and she is an oft-quoted expert in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Mothering and Parenting. . She also serves on the advisory board for Fit Pregnancy Magazine.
Dr. Gayle Peterson has written family columns for ParentsPlace.com, igrandparents.com, the Bay Area's Parents Press newspaper and the Sierra Foothill's Family Post. She has also hosted a live radio show, "Ask Dr. Gayle" on www.ivillage.com, answering questions on family relationships and parenting. Dr. Peterson has appeared on numerous radio and television interviews including Canadian broadcast as a family and communications expert in the twelve part documentary "Baby's Best Chance". She is former clinical director of the Holistic Health Program at John F. Kennedy University in Northern California and adjunct faculty at the California Institute for Integral Studies in San Francisco. A national public speaker on women's issues and family development, Gayle Peterson practices psychotherapy in Oakland, California and Nevada City, California. She also offers an online certification training program in Prenatal Counseling and Birth Hypnosis. Gayle and is a wife, mother of two adult children and a proud grandmother of three lively boys and one sparkling granddaughter.
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Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
Send Comments and Inquiries to Dr. Gayle Peterson at gp@askdrgayle.com
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