QUESTION: This is my first pregnancy.
My mother-in-law wants to come stay with us as soon as the baby is born.
(She lives about 6 hours away.) We have a one bedroom apartment, and
she wants to sleep on the couch. Do you think that a new, first time
mom would want someone in the house to offer evaluations and advice?
Am I just being petty and selfish? She has also asked to be in the delivery
room, to which I said no. Do you have any advice?
ANSWER: You seem to have answered
your own question. Clearly you do not want your mother-in-law in your
apartment immediately after your baby is born. Given your feeling that
she would be there to evaluate rather than nurture you, telling her
"no" seems like a good idea! You have a right to privacy, especially
during this sensitive bonding period.
You have already said "no" to her request to be present
in the delivery room, so it should not be too difficult to do so again.
Simply explain to her that though you appreciate her offer to be so
available to you, you value your privacy. She understood your request
for her not to be present at the birth, so she will no doubt comprehend
your boundaries in this situation.
You are not being selfish and neither is your mother-in-law.
She may be trying to offer her help and does not realize the extent
to which you are feeling "pressured" by her. Perhaps she was close
to her mother (or mother-in-law) in this way and welcomed the assistance.
She will need to learn about you and what level of sharing you are
comfortable with in your relationship.
Do not shy away from relating honestly with her.
And remember that honesty does not imply brutality or sarcasm. Accept
her offer as a sign of wanting to be close and available to you and
her new grandchild. Recognize her offer as well-meaning, but inappropriate
to your own natural need to focus exclusively on your newborn. Your
feelings are a natural and very common part of establishing your own
motherhood.
Whether or not your mother-in-law was planning on
evaluating you, it is not unusual for daughters-in-law to shy away
from their husband's mother in the early days of motherhood. You feel
best establishing your own patterns of mothering away from any possible
scrutiny. That is enough of a reason to secure your privacy.
Once your confidence as a mother is firmly established,
you may welcome her assistance. Perhaps you can tell her what would
be supportive to you at that time. Bringing dinner when you are ready
for her company might be enjoyable. But having her as a guest right
after birth is not.
Maintain an open mind regarding the fact that down
the line she may prove to be a source of support in her role as grandma.
Let her know that you are definitely planning on including her in
your lives, but that you do not know exactly when you will feel ready
for guests. Assure her that you will be in close touch by phone and
that you and the new Daddy will let her know when the family is ready
for her visit.
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