Well now that he got the final divorce papers he refuses to see his son. I don't think this is right. My son deserves a father and for my ex-husband to desert our son is not right because I will not take him back. This has got me very depressed and I am also very confused. I'm starting to think sometimes that he has changed but he continues to yell and scream and put me down one minute and the next minute he is crying and begging for me back. It has been a very emotional roller coaster.

I know going back to him would definitely be the wrong thing to do especially because of our son. I don't want my son raised in that environment but I don't understand what I can do to make things better and make myself feel better about what I have done. My ex-husband talks of killing himself and such. How do I explain to my son when he is older why his father doesn't wish to see him? I am so confused and hurt but relieved all at the same time!!!

Please give me some advice on how to deal with this situation.

ANSWER: Your conclusion that your ex-husband "ruined all the trust you had ever had for him" is an accurate assessment. Your decision to end the marriage may be the best action you could have taken not only for yourself, but for your son as well.

Your sense of responsibility to provide a father for your son while understandable is misguided. Parenting (fathering) is a nurturing activity that requires skill and some level of self-sacrifice. Minimally, parenting includes care of a child that does not put that child in harm's way. You are in no way depriving your son of his "father" if you mean to include parenting in the definition of fatherhood. And it is your son's biological father who is making the decision to completely cutoff from his son, not you!

Your ex-husband continues to be himself, which includes threatening you in any way he might succeed at causing you guilt. You are best protected from this kind manipulation if you seek counseling and a support group for battered women to further understand the roots of your mistaken loyalties. This will not only curtail the potential for further harm to you and your son from this relationship, but will help ensure that you have your priorities clearly established before entering another relationship.

Something is haywire in your past experience of family. Seek to identify the roles that men and women played in your childhood and the nature of the marital contract between your parents. These are the blueprints for your recent choice of a mate. Without exploring your past, you are likely to repeat similar patterns. Taking care of yourself through self-exploration and emotional support is your son's best insurance against future relationship loss or harm.

Do not second guess yourself regarding your decision to divorce. And do not make choices out of guilt or a false promise of "fatherhood" for your son. Clinical studies have shown that single parent families are quite capable of producing loving and well-adjusted children. And there is a plethora of two parent families that fail to provide the needed balance of affection and authoritative limit-setting that their children need!

You are not deficient. You are enough for your son's healthy development. Maintaining a belief in your independent capacity to parent your son will be communicated to him, as will any belief that he is deprived of parenting because his biological father cannot parent!

Do not create unrealistic fantasies for your son, and he will not be obligated to fulfill them. Children can cope with the reality of life when they are lovingly supported in doing so. Sensitivity is spawned from life's troubles. Do not avoid discussing questions and feelings he will have about his biological father, but do not confuse him with expectations that his father fulfill his needs for parenting in any way. This would be a setup for unnecessary disappointment.

Research shows that when a single parent is capable of loving authority, children flourish. Become the best parent you can be. Do not ignore appropriate discipline (or love) as your son grows. Your capacity to set appropriate limits when needed in your child's future development will be best assured if you resolve misplaced guilt now. Unresolved guilt is often the culprit for disabling parents of their authority, resulting in misconduct and other difficulties of childhood.

Seek help to recover from the abuse in your marriage. Withdraw your energies from your ex-spouse. You are not in control or responsible for his life choices. Continued ruminations that revolve around him and his activities or threats only serve to distract you from your own life's path. Enjoy him. He is fortunate to have a mother who not only loves him, but has the courage to remove him from an unhealthy and dangerous situation!

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