QUESTION: A friend of mine is miserable
in his marriage. He and his wife hate each other and have tried to work
through it. They are afraid of the damage a divorce would do to their
child. I have tried to express that their constant unhappiness and conflict
may do more damage than the divorce. What advice would you have that
I can pass along to them?
ANSWER: Divorce and its effects
on children are often misunderstood by parents. And in the last two
decades public opinion has undergone dramatic pendulum swings. The media
loves drama and proliferates the false belief that all divorce ravages
children. As if it were the divorce itself, and not the way the family
handles it, or what improvements are being sought in the family, that
impacts a child in the long term.
There have been very few studies that document the
long term effects of divorce on children before 1980 when J. S. Wallerstein
presented her research "project" on children and divorce. The positive
influence of the project was to make parents think deeply about the
process of divorce, and how it can be handled by the divorcing parents
in the best interests of the child. This was and still is an important
message. Prior to this time, divorce was seen more in light of a solution
which was better for children if their parents had conflict. Clearly,
as a society we were underestimating the potential negative impact
that children can suffer in divorce. However, Wallerstein's work came
under heavy criticism by her colleagues for skewed population and
interpretation. But though her work came under fire, it spurred others
to delve more deeply into the truly subtle and complex issues in divorce
and spawned other studies of great merit. In the meantime, however
divorce became the culprit, pure and simple, whether or not this was
Wallerstein's intention. Newspaper headlines glared the newfound "truth"
that divorce harms children! No wonder your friends, or others may
feel the way they do.
When necessary, divorce can be in the best interests
of the child. In 1981, E. M. Hetherington and her research team studied
the effects of divorce on the family. It is heralded as one of the
best designed research studies and clearly states that a conflict-ridden
intact home is more detrimental to all family members than a stable
home in which parents are divorced. Naturally, this is because the
continued conflict drains the energy needed for a child's development,
causing difficulties in learning, socializing or other areas of growth.
Not to mention the role model of the marital relationship being played
out and the effects on the child of living in a war zone. This kind
of unresolvable conflict creates emotional insecurity for all family
members. The experience of divorce and its long term impact will be
unique to the child. We could imagine both negative and positive results,
depending on the child and on their lives post divorce. There are
situations where children fare better after the divorce. Divorce is
a tool. Norma Walsh, a noted family researcher, is not alone in her
field when she states that the family processes and quality of family
relationships remain the most significant predictor for health in
families, divorced or not.
Tell your friend that divorce does not create dysfunction!
Families experiencing divorce have the same range of functionality
as intact families. Family researchers have found that it is not divorce
that creates long term disturbance in children, but three other significant
factors related to post separation changes. These are:
- The quality of post-separation life on the children
-- for example, whether they are propelled into poverty or cannot
pursue classes or education they enjoyed previously.
- Change in quality of the relationship with a parent
following divorce, and
- The number and degree of other stressors induced
by the separation for the child.
Minimizing the above factors in a child's life increases
stability and the child's ability to benefit from the divorce. Divorce
does not change the fact that parents have a responsibility to continue
to raise their child together and to keep in the forefront of their
minds what is in the best interests of the child throughout the process.
Marriage ends with divorce, but parenting does not!
We should not embrace divorce as an answer to all
our problems, because it does cause more problems which need thorough
consideration. Neither should we be afraid to divorce if it is in
the best interest of the family.
A family is a system. We cannot underestimate the
pain inherited by our children for marriages that are unworkable.
Children of divorce suffer. And so do children who are steeped in
conflict and pain unchanged over years in their parents' marriage.
These adult children may never marry, because of the pain they perceive
as marriage. They do not expect happiness in marriage because it has
not been their experience of their parents' relationship.
Some children will suffer more if the marital discord
is covert instead of out in the open. Sometimes parents feel they
can protect their child from pain by shielding them from the conflict.
Children definitely should be shielded from the marital battle. However,
after a point, if resolution cannot be achieved, the marital battle
spills inevitably onto the unconscious of the child, and the atmosphere
of the family. Communication is shortened. Depth of feeling is absent.
Left unidentified and ignored, such unconscious conflict can be more
destructive to our children's future than if it is brought out in
the open and addressed in divorce. Fears of intimacy and commitment,
thought to be results of divorce, are in fact phenomena often experienced
by children who grew up in disturbed intact families. Parents that
remain married "for the sake of the children" may for all intents
and purposes be emotionally divorced. When this emotional alienation
occurs, children may develop an aversion to intimacy or an inability
to commit to a partner.
In addition we should keep in mind that when spouses
divorce, they are not guaranteed of marital happiness with anyone
else. However, they are eligible for future happiness! And
this future happiness, if it becomes a reality, can be a real improvement
in the family system. Children can definitely benefit when this is
the case. However it is important to balance the pros and cons and
take responsibility for providing the stability and guidelines for
caring for your child through the trauma of divorce as the first order
of business, if this is the avenue of choice.
But before proceeding towards divorce, it is important
to turn over every stone to ensure you are not jumping out of the
frying pan and into the fire. To not repeat our mistakes, we must
understand our own contributions to them. And without effectively
working through why the marriage is failing, we are vulnerable to
regrets down the road. Have your friends tried to work through their
marital difficulties? Do they know why things are not working? What
their individual contributions are to marital discord? Have they studied
their families of origin for projections of past childhood ghosts
onto their relationship? In short, have they tried to save the marriage
through intensive marriage counseling? There may be reasons why they
are not divorcing other than their child. It is important that if
they do remain married, they continue to work on improving their relationship.
This could lead to deeper and rewarding change at best, and provides
the child with parental role models who are taking responsibility
to search for solutions instead of creating an atmosphere of despair
and victimization.
Whether or not it is divorce that is the best answer
for your friends' marriage, it does seem apparent that some reflection
and work on the relationship is in order. To not work on the partnership
in some capacity, as long as they are remaining together, is to create
an atmosphere of despair, leaving the child with unconscious responsibility
for the parents' happiness. It is the parents responsibility for staying
in or getting out of the marriage. No child benefits from being an
albatross.
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Gayle
Peterson, MSSW, LCSW, PhD is a family therapist specializing
in prenatal and family development. She trains professionals in
her prenatal counseling model and is the author of An
Easier Childbirth, Birthing
Normally and her latest book, Making
Healthy Families. Her articles on family relationships
appear in professional journals and she is an oft-quoted expert
in popular magazines such as Woman's Day, Mothering and
Parenting. . She also serves on the advisory board
for Fit Pregnancy Magazine.
Dr. Gayle Peterson has written family columns for ParentsPlace.com, igrandparents.com, the Bay Area's Parents Press newspaper and the Sierra Foothill's Family Post. She has also hosted a live radio show, "Ask Dr. Gayle" on www.ivillage.com, answering questions on family relationships and parenting. Dr. Peterson has appeared on numerous radio and television interviews including Canadian broadcast as a family and communications expert in the twelve part documentary "Baby's Best Chance". She is former clinical director of the Holistic Health Program at John F. Kennedy University in Northern California and adjunct faculty at the California Institute for Integral Studies in San Francisco. A national public speaker on women's issues and family development, Gayle Peterson practices psychotherapy in Oakland, California and Nevada City, California. She also offers an online certification training program in Prenatal Counseling and Birth Hypnosis. Gayle and is a wife, mother of two adult children and a proud grandmother of three lively boys and one sparkling granddaughter.
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Copyright 1996-2003. Gayle Peterson All rights reserved.
Send Comments and Inquiries to Dr. Gayle Peterson at gp@askdrgayle.com
