QUESTION: My ten-year-old son
has suddenly become very afraid of tornadoes. He blames it on viewing
the movie "Twister" but I think it has more to do with the changes he's
been through recently: a move to a new house and new school which is
much more demanding of him than the old one, and his dad (we're separated
and in the process of divorce) had to move away to live with relatives
because he was out of work and homeless.
My question is: how should I handle this? I've
explored his fears as much as I can and reassured that I will never
leave him, but it doesn't seem to be helping.
ANSWER: You have understood the deeper emotional meaning for
your son's current fears of tornadoes. Indeed, he may feel as though
his family unit has been hit by a "tornado" as you suggest.
You are helping him by listening to his fears and
reassuring him. It will take him some period of time before he will
be able to assimilate all that has just happened to him and to people
he loves. In the meantime, he has put his fears into tornadoes as
a way to express his feelings about the life changing events he is
experiencing.
Help your son cope with his emotional overwhelm by
working through his fear of "tornadoes" symbolically. Help him understand
what causes tornadoes and how to protect himself if he were caught
in one. Gently direct him towards a sense of mastery about the very
thing he has chosen to symbolically represent his anxieties.
Continue to discuss the events of separation and
divorce and help him remain in contact with his father. Support him
to write letters to his Dad, if he desires, or send pictures he draws
or stories he writes at school. By incorporating his father into his
current school activities, even at a minor level, you may help him
to adjust to his new surroundings. Maintaining a connection with his
father through sharing his new life activities may prove healing,
allowing him to bridge the past with the present.
Explore resources in your area for putting your son
in contact with other children who may have undergone a similar family
process. Programs such as "Kid's Turn" in the San Francisco Bay area
provide children with group processes for sharing their experiences.
It is important for your son to know that he is not alone. You might
also consider the benefit of individual child therapy focused on helping
your son express his feelings through this period of change. Play
therapy in particular provides children with a framework for mastering
their fears.
Support groups can offer a powerful matrix for healing.
You, too may benefit from group support through this transition. Taking
care of yourself will make it easier for you to be there for your
son. Family members going through the changes of divorce often refer
to their feelings as akin to being on a broken vessel set out to sea.
Membership in a group can provide emotional safe passage across troubled
waters.
Remember that self-care through periods of stress
is critical to our children's recovery. Parents as well as children
need support in transforming fear during highly anxious times!
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