QUESTION: My son is 8yrs old, he's a
good child but he's afraid of everything. Ex: he's afraid of falling
off his bike so he doesn't want to learn how to ride a bike (I've tried
many hours & methods to teach him). He's a very SENSITIVE child, if
you yell at him he starts to cry. He cries about EVERYTHING!!!! If any
kid smaller than him bothers him he cries. If you barely tap him he
cries. It drives me crazy, he's also overweight (97lbs which bothers
him) I try to encourage him to join some kind of sports but because
of the fear of hurting himself he's not interested. I don't know what
to do.
I recently signed him up in Boy Scouts hoping
this will help him some type of way. My question to you is I want
to enroll him in Karate, and of course he doesn't want to go in fear
of getting hurt. Do you think this is the right thing for him? I'm
afraid that someone will beat him up (you know how kid's can be cruel).
I heard that Karate builds up your self esteem, also I feel it will
help him to get over his fears and lose weight.
Please give me some advice. Thanks
ANSWER: Your approach to your son is
on the right track. Building his positive self-image is primary. Find
activities he does take an interest in that have a good potential
for giving him an experience of success. But seek also to define a
redeeming side to his uniquely sensitive nature. It isn't his sensitivity
that is the problem, but his tendency to allow fear to abort his exploration.
Sometimes it is necessary to structure our children's
activities so that success is assured rather than left to chance.
Both boy scouts and Karate could be promising activities. If his weight
is causing him some lack of coordination at this time in his development,
consider swimming as an alternative. Because his body would be supported
by water, swimming might prove to be an activity he could learn to
gain physical control and mastery. I remember encouraging my own child
who was overweight at that age to join the swimming classes at the
local YMCA. Even though he did not pass immediately into the "pollywogs"
when he did master the strokes he became very proud of himself. I
assured him that I knew he could do it if he stuck with it. This particular
success became a turning point for him at about the same age your
son is now.
Let your son know that you believe in him to continue
learning and mastering activities that interest him. Try a strategy
of insisting to him that you want him to "give himself a chance" by
going to an activity for 2 months. After that time, he and you can
reevaluate whether or not it is for him. By then he may have gathered
enough confidence and mastered his fears sufficiently to continue.
Your son is building his sense of mastery at this
age and does indeed need to feel he can be "good" at something. But
perhaps his talent lies in other areas such as art, music or reading.
Be sure to explore where his special "sensitivity" may be expressed
in a positive manner, too. For example, if he is sensitive to how
others feel and whether or not others may get hurt, emotionally or
physically, then he is also a very "considerate" child. At 8 years
old it certainly is hard to know exactly who this little guy is, but
you must try to find out! You may find the beneficial parts of his
sensitivity can be expressed in taking care of animals, as another
example. See if you can identify the positive side of your son's sensitivity
and reflect this to him with appropriate admiration. His self-esteem
will blossom from an authentic reflection of that which is truly positive
in him. A constant anxious focus on only the deleterious effects of
his sensitive nature will cause him to feel negatively about himself.
Also, consider the possibility that you may be looking
at him through a gender lens which may also make you view his sensitivity
as negative because he is a boy. You want to "protect" him, and so
you might desire him to be physically strong, emotionally resilient
and able to compete as a male. But his sensitive nature may later
reveal a man of a more artistic or spiritual bent. You serve your
son to remain responsive to the stirrings of his unique nature, for
he will experience greater success in those areas that are, afterall,
genuinely him.
Finally, consider your son's experience in his life
of 8 years. Has he been hurt in the past in some way that would have
caused what you experience as his "oversensitivity"? If so, trust
issues may have developed which need to be addressed before expecting
him to "carry on". Is there any traumatic incident(s) in the past
8 years of his life that may have caused him to need to retreat from
the world in order to heal? If none of the suggestions given seem
to work, have your son evaluated by a competent child therapist to
rule out any history or experiences which may have proved damaging
and need attention.
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