QUESTION: My third grade daughter has
been ostracized from several groups of other girls, at school recess
time and from parties and after school activities. I perceive this to
be a result of her preference for more active pursuits than the "girly"
ones most of her peers are into. She is definitely concerned about this,
as the one girl she used to regularly play with has developed a preference
for quieter activities with the others. We have involved her with scouts
and sports activities, but have the same problems. How do we help her
to deal with this rejection and make new friends?
ANSWER: Your sensitivity and support
for your daughter to develop in other than only "girly" ways is laudable.
Yet, you have indeed found other more active avenues for her which still
end up repeating her experience of rejection from the "group". It is
probable that you have not truly ascertained the effect she is having
on others in her peer group. In order to help her, you may need to adopt
a compassionate but more objective viewpoint.
Arrange to meet with her teachers and/or scout leaders
to achieve a more objective understanding of how another adult might
view her present social difficulties. Third grade can be a particularly
emotional trying time for girls as they learn about triangles and
who is "in" or "out". But if your daughter is always on the "outs"
regardless of the group or activity, there may be something that she
is doing which makes her vulnerable to being "scapegoated". If so,
it would be in her best interests to learn more about how she may
be affecting others around her.
You may discover new things about your little girl
which will help you to help her. For example, she may have the makings
of a natural born leader, but be expressing her comfort with dominance
by being overly "bossy" in group activities. This could have the paradoxical
effect of making her both very attractive initially, but eventually
rejected for her inability to share the limelight in some way. If
you have raised her to express herself confidently and helped her
develop her self-esteem by supporting her very active interests, she
may have evolved a strong sense of herself and her own needs, but
a weak sense of others.
The most common reason for your daughter's problem
is undersocialization in the sense of acquiring an ability to share
and take turns in group activities. By 3rd grade (unlike the earlier
grades) children begin to experience their power in groups. The ability
to cooperate becomes increasingly important. This does not mean that
your daughter must squelch herself to be accepted, nor should she.
Repetitive rejection across various and different settings could simply
point to the need to assess her ability to take pleasure from cooperation
as well as healthy competition in group settings.
Continue your wonderful support of her budding personality
and seek more objective criteria for what she experiencing. If none
of these suggestions seem appropriate, or she continues to experience
recurrent rejection, consult with a child therapist who specializes
in social skills and school assessments.
You are right to be concerned, as your daughter's
self-esteem rests not only on her independence and self-expression,
but on her ability to forge rewarding relationships. She is fortunate
to have a mother who is looking out for her best interests!
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