QUESTION:
I have a 4 yr old daughter and an 18 month old daughter. My husband
and I both work full time. Lately it seems the 4 year old has tantrums
about everything. She cries about taking a bath about which pj's to
wear, what to wear in the mornings etc. I feel like I'm doing something
wrong but I don't know what. She has always been a very independent
child. Any tips or suggestions?
ANSWER: Your
daughter may be reacting to a change in her life that she is unable
to express. Talk with her caregiver. Find out if anything has changed
in her life away from you.
If nothing has changed in her life,
and no traumatic event has taken place, her tantrums may indicate
a need for greater quality time with you and her father. Perhaps her
sister has reached an age in which she feels in competition for the
attention that is available in the family.
Consult your pediatrician for a thorough
physical examination. Barring any physical problem, your daughter's
"falling apart" behavior suggests she needs more emotional support
at this time. Your experience of her independence may have caused
you to overlook the ways in which she needs to depend on you. Schedule
one-on-one time with her. Let her know these times with you and with
her Daddy will come up predictably. If she feels she has special time
to look forward to with you and with her father once a week, she will
soon be able to experience herself as special.
Every child needs to feel unique.
Sometimes dual work schedules do not make room for children's needs
for individual time with each parent. Particularly when a second child
is added to the family, an older sibling can feel the effects of the
"squeeze" because the undiluted attention they used to receive no
longer happens spontaneously.
Make an increased effort to reflect
and understand her feelings rather than "fix" any negative expressions.
Your daughter will feel your empathy when you respond to a crying
spell by mirroring her feelings when they occur: For example, "...
You are frustrated...yes that shoe is hard to tie..". Sometimes our
lives become so scheduled and hectic that we forget to slow down enough
to make room for feelings. Reflecting your child's "negative" feelings
will soothe her. She will feel understood. And she will learn inner
patience from your patient treatment.
Do not expect your daughter's behavior
to change at once. She will need to experience the pleasure of your
time commitment to her a few times before she will be able to rely
on it. But each time it occurs, she will build her internal sense
of security and self-esteem. Like a drooping plant, regular watering
should bring her back! If this is not the case, and her tantrums continue
to escalate, consult a child therapist for an evaluation.
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