QUESTION: My three-year-old
was fully potty trained prior to my separation and now she has very
frequent accidents, two or three times per day. My family says to scold
my child, while her father says I should not be upset. He says the accidents
are just due to stress. I am seriously frustrated because I am not sure
how to handle this situation.
ANSWER: Listen
to the father of your child on this one. It appears that he understands
the effects of stress on a three-year-old, while your parents (family)
do not! Though you are separated, you may still have the workings of
a good parenting relationship.
It is natural for your daughter to show signs of
regression under stress. The breakup of her parental relationship
is highly anxiety provoking for her. Her whole world is changing.
Help her adjust to these changes by soothing, not ridicule. Help her
strategize ways to get to the bathroom, but do not make a big deal
of her loss of control. Refrain from shaming her at time when she
is already feeling tremendous insecurity.
Consider attending parenting classes to establish
guidelines for judging and responding to her needs through this transition.
Without seeking a different perspective, you are likely to repeat
the patterns of parenting you received. If you do not explore other
attitudes towards child rearing based on empathy rather than control,
your daughter could suffer loss of self-esteem and show further signs
of falling apart.
Be sure to separate your daughter's difficulties
from your own self-esteem. Especially during this time of transition,
it is crucial that you do not accept ridicule from your family about
her behavior. If they are not supportive in helping you soothe her
and yourself, seek other, more constructive help, outside the family.
Give your daughter a greater margin for adjusting
to a destabilizing situation and do not neglect yourself! Seek your
own emotional support through this transition. Joining a support group
for women in transition may help you share your frustrations with
others going through a similar period of change. Nurturing yourself
through this life change is your best insurance that you will have
the patience to soothe her when she falls apart.
Your frustration may well be a signal to attend to
your own needs first so that you can respond more positively to your
daughter. As the stewardess says in the airplane, "In the event of
a fall in cabin pressure, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting
your child." Clearly, without taking care of ourselves, we will not
be able to help anyone else!
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