QUESTION: My two and
a-half-year-old boy is extremely clingy to my wife. When we are at home,
he will usually interact with either of us. But he screams for Mommy
when he falls, wakes up in the night, when we go out or if new people
come over to our house. He will not come to me, his grandparents or
anyone else. We tried daycare at 22 months, and he cried for Mommy the
entire time. After one week, the day care advised us to wait until he
is older to come back. We spend the entire weekend together and he is
fine -- until Mommy comes home. My wife is expecting another child in
three months and is losing patience.
ANSWER: Your
little boy may blend two seemingly divergent qualities. He may be both
shy and very strong willed. He is also in the midst of a period in his
growth that requires him to exert his independence while simultaneously
seeking comfort in greater dependency on Mom.
"Clinginess" in two-year-olds can temporarily increase
as they "push" the limits of their independence and, in his case,
shyness may exaggerate his internal conflict between dependence and
independence. It is not unusual for children of this age to do everything
in their power to "get what they want." Yet, in addition to the natural
"testing" that is a part of this developmental stage, your son's behavior
may also reflect an increasing pattern of manipulation that is counter
productive to a true sense of security.
Consider whether you have been consistent in what
you require from him. If you determine that Mommy and Daddy will alternate
putting him to bed each night, expect him to accept this. Particularly
with a new sibling on the way, it will be important for him to learn
to accept Daddy's help when Mommy is busy with the baby. Determine
what kind of schedule will work best regarding caring for your son.
Be certain that he does have adequate time with Mommy, but once you
and your wife have decided that you are the parent who will put him
to bed, make him breakfast or help him get dressed, do not yield to
his protestations.
If you have developed a pattern of "giving in," it
will take you extra effort to establish your authority. Your son may
have learned that he will get his way in the end if he simply screams
longer and harder. But allowing his escalating hysteria to override
your better judgment will only delay discomfort in the present for
increased problems in your future. Your child needs boundaries, but
at two-and-a-half, he is not capable of internalizing control with
words alone. He must experience, on a behavioral level, that you mean
what you say.
In the beginning, you will no doubt find it difficult
to endure the intensity of his emotional protest. But you must persist
in your belief that he will learn to accept you instead of Mommy in
certain situations. The most common reason for failure is a divided
parental team. You and your wife must prevail for him to feel secure
in your leadership. It is important that your son hear Mommy support
the position that Daddy is perfectly capable of caring for him, and
that she, too, expects him to accept this fact. She must not "rescue"
him or hang around after she has made her belief clear. Reneging on
this arrangement undermines your message and encourages your son to
doubt his own well-being and capacity to adjust.
Talk with your wife about whether "giving in" is
a pattern that persists in other areas when she is with him during
the day. If he cries, does she give him dessert instead of the nutritional
lunch she had made for him? Does she find herself changing her decisions
often due to his protests? If there are other areas in which he has
learned to "get his way" through emotional upset, it may be necessary
to evaluate the overall consistency of your parenting approach.
What is the nature of your son's relationship to his
"sitter?" Is she consistent with him? Is there any reason that he
would develop fear based on his time spent with her during the week?
Talk with your caregiver. Obtain feedback about his day with her,
including activities he enjoys or does not enjoy. This person is his
only other consistent caretaker. Has anything changed since this relationship
began? Is this person a good match for your son? Does he feel secure
and connected to her? If it is not a good match, it is possible that
this may be a source of stress.
It is likely that adapting to Daddy's care when Mommy
is present will be the first step towards accepting new people with
less fear. Your son clearly feels secure with you. He does not "need"
Mommy over you, but may be stuck in a natural survival pattern of
preferring her over others. It is natural for this preference to increase
during this developmental stage. Do not allow his fears to gain prominence
over his curiosity. His social "shyness" may decrease with efforts
to engage him in activities with other children. Having a "little
friend" over to play regularly, visiting that playmate and joining
a weekly playgroup can encourage his social development.
Your son is normal in his efforts to express his will
at this age, and he may indeed grow out of some of his "clinginess"
to Mommy. Still, your job as parents is to consider the potential
for his "fits" to become a dysfunctional coping pattern, or for his
apprehensions to block his development. Barring any previous traumatic
event, your son's behavior requires a response which helps him feel
contained and secure in the reasonable limits set by parents who love
him. This includes accepting Daddy when Mommy is busy or needs a break!
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