Build a Healthy Stepfamily

Eight Ways to Build a Healthy Stepfamily

QUESTION:
adapted in part from
"Making Healthy Families," by Gayle Peterson, Ph.D. MSSW
Dr. Gayle,
I am the stepmother of a 13 year old girl and 15 year old boy. They live with my husband and me on a half-time basis. Mostly, we get along fine, but it hurts my feelings that I am not closer to them, as family. I have known both of them for 2 years, but still I cannot take an authority role with them and I feel like an "outsider" in my own home. They are nice and polite to me, but I do not feel the "family love" I had envisioned when I married their father. This is also the source of many fights between my husband and me. Am I expecting too much?
Marilyn

ANSWER: You have hit the nail on the head! Unrealistic expectations of blended families and lack of knowledge about normal stepfamily development has caused many remarriages to fail. If the joining of two individuals in marriage is comparable to blending two different cultures, as many a family therapist has suggested, then the joining of two individuals with histories of past marriages, divorce and children must be the joining of two different galaxies!

Family researchers have identified the best predictor of stepfamily happiness to be the quality of the relationship that develops between the stepparent and children. Like any transition, timing can be one of the most important factors in favor of healthy adjustment. The next most important factor in stepfamily adjustment, as in any family is the strength and quality of the couples' bond. These two very important variables are obviously related, as any natural parent will attest, who feels "torn" between his/her children and spouse. And any stepparent can relate the awkwardness of finding his/her place as a family member and as a parent in a maze of relationships and shared history established prior to his/her arrival.

So, the task itself is fraught with paradoxes. It is often painful and difficult for the stepparent to find a place in an already established system that grieves the loss of a person you may have never met, including being the person who children "test" to see if you are "good" enough to earn membership. It is also important to remember that one of the developmental tasks of a family is to raise and nurture its' young to adulthood in the best way possible. It is important to remember that as a stepparent, you had a choice in the situation while the children did not. As the adult your responsibility must encompass an understanding that you will be expected to be concerned and involved in caring for these children and ensuring their sense of security in traveling through this transition of adding you to their family! If the job is too big---Don't sign up for it!! Remember you are the adult and you made the choice to marry a spouse who came with children. Very often stepparents suffer from unrealistic expectations regarding the transition of blending families, resulting in feelings of helplessness and victimization.

And very often natural parents share fantasies of the perfect family union, pressuring spouses to love children they do not even really know yet, or expecting a stepparent to discipline a child before an appropriate affection has grown between the two. Natural parents can play an important role in supporting the stepparent appropriately, including being understanding of the frustration this role can hold, particularly in the first two years of the new marriage. Pacing the role that a stepparent takes on in the family to match realistically with the development of the relationship between stepparent and child will go along way towards developing a positive relationship.

Because more than 50% of remarriages end in divorce, we can assume that information about the very complex process of blending families is not well known. Being able to identify common pitfalls, predictable feelings, and characteristics of successful remarried families will elucidate a more viable and realistic vision.

Strengthen the couple's bond:
The key to any healthy family system is the mutual love, caring and respect that the partners share. Working through the predictable stresses of becoming a stepfamily secures your relationship. Take time to be alone and develop your bond independent of the children and parenting roles in the family. Resolving difficult parenting issues through honest sharing and understanding will build intimacy. Just remember to be patient with the desire for change.

Remember this is your choice, not the children's:
It is important to remember that as a stepparent, you had a choice in the situation while the children did not. As the adult your responsibility must encompass an understanding that you will be expected to be concerned and involved in caring for these children and ensuring their sense of security in traveling through this transition.

Don't expect instant love:
Very often stepparents suffer from unrealistic expectations regarding the transition of blending families, resulting in feelings of helplessness and victimization. And very often natural parents share fantasies of the perfect family union, pressuring spouses to love children they do not even really know yet, or expecting a stepparent to discipline a child before an appropriate affection has grown between the two.

Relationships take time. Realistic expectations between stepparents and children must include a gradual period of getting to know one another. There is no such thing as instant intimacy. Respect one another and take the time to become acquainted. Let the relationship build security and caring on its own merit, without pressure to fill the fantasy of loving one another before a solid "like" has been established. On the average, two to three years is the time period for developing these bonds and stabilizing the new family.

Allow losses to be mourned:
By the time of a second marriage, it is often a child's third family unit. The first being the biological parents' marriage, the second being a separate or single family unit and the third being the new relationship which involves a stepparent. Children need parental permission and understanding to grieve these losses, before embracing the new family system. Failure to accept mourning as a natural feeling may result in angry outbursts and potential alienation.

Parents also suffer loss, particularly if their own biological children are not living with them. Loyalty to previous members who used to live under one roof can make it a difficult process to bond to new members, but given time and respect for each others' feelings and boundaries, these bonds do grow.

Remember that every child is unique:
A small child will tend towards accepting the stepparent in a parental role differently than a teenager. Coming into a teenager's life may involve more of a friendship, depending on the individuals and needs involved, while coming into a family with a one-year-old will usually require parental nurturing and attachment similar to that of a primary parent. Adjust to the situation according to its' natural evolution. It is unrealistic to assume your authority will develop the same with a teenager as a young child. Respect boundaries and what has come before as well as being open to a different form of relating than your idealized interpretation of what family "should" be.

Create family rituals:
Every family develops its' own culture. This gives members a sense of belonging to an intimate group. Holiday rituals can be developed that are unique to the present constellation. Other elements, like specific kinds of jokes or well-intentioned humor can also go a long way in weaving a family together. Finding ways to laugh together will go along way towards establishing a sense of belonging.

Support children's relationship with other biological parent:
Supporting children's relationship to their biological parent who does not live in the stepfamily is important to healthy development. Keeping these situations separate will decrease chances for conflict with children being caught in the crossfire. There are situations that are not ideal but can be carefully managed to bring out cooperation and there are situations that experts recommend against for co-custody that may not allow for cooperation. In these more extreme cases (mental imbalance, parental dysfunction, or severe child rearing conflict) family researchers recommend decreased contact and no joint custody. However in the ideal, often with professional help, parents are able to get over past hurts and work in the agreed best interest of the children.

Understand that children come first:
Our children deserve our superior effort at understanding what is in their best interest, especially when feelings and struggles are intense, as they often are in the transition to a remarried family constellation. And it is a parents' job to be able to consider the needs of the child and expect to put them first when appropriate. This is the nature of parenthood. Whether you come by it biologically or through marriage, parenthood requires maturity.

Do your best to align your expectations for love and attachment with what is realistic at this time in your stepchildren's lives. Work towards activities that you can enjoy with them, or make yourself available to them in a resource capacity. For example, editing a school paper, helping with math homework or chaffering a child to hockey practice can build genuine connection over time. Refrain from forcing your vision of family on your stepchildren, but do talk with your partner about how you might be realistically included in family activities the two of you can implement.

Do keep in mind that the period of adolescence is a difficult time to join a family. Adolescents are gearing up for (and practicing!) separation, while you are yearning for togetherness! Find a balance that works, but expect to make significant compromises in your original family vision. You might not get exactly what you want, but if you show genuine interest and commitment to these teenagers, ...you just might get what you need!

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