We relocated to a difference state before their first birthday, so we do not have support from our family and friends anymore. The move itself was stressful enough, but to have two small children, one with a disability, made it even harder.

My question is regarding my healthy daughter. Recently, she has been very rough with her sister, hitting, pushing, kicking. I am having a hard time telling if this is normal behavior for her age or if she might be acting out for attention. Over the last years, we have had a lot of people coming to our house to do therapy with her sister, and she has accompanied us on numerous doctors visits. I am concerned that she isn't getting the quality of attention she deserves. We find ourselves asking her to get things for her sister, or help her sister do this, etc. and I am afraid this might not be the right thing to do. We try to include her in what we are doing with her sister, but there are times when she can't participate and she is too young to understand.

Right now it is like raising a 24 month old and a 15 month old at the same time. They can't play with the same toys or do the same activities and they both get frustrated.

Should I plan separate activities with one of the them, while my husband spends time with the other? Is it just a phase that will pass or could it escalate into something worse?

ANSWER: Trust your intuition. You overall assessment that your daughter is angry about not receiving her "fair share" of the family focus is likely correct. You not only have clear judgment as a mother, but great sensitivity towards both of your girls. They are very lucky to have a mother who is looking out for both of them!

It is natural for you to have centered your attention on your daughter who has special needs. And while it is true that your other little girl may have feelings of resentment based on her sister's "special treatment" in the family, you have identified HER feelings very early in life. Parenting is about shifting gears when the need arises, and your daughter has made clear that it is time for a change.

Your plan for spending separate time with each child having their own "Mommy" and "Daddy" time is a good one. Your concern about the possibility of escalating the rivalry your daughter is feeling towards her twin is valid. Given your description of the ways she has had to accommodate her sister's special needs, it is not wise to write it of as a mere "phase". Establish separate activities and be sure to include your developmentally "older" daughter as a focus of family attention, including her sister's ability to be fascinated by her sister, much the way a younger sister accepts an older sibling's separate abilities and attributes.

Given that your daughters are fraternal rather than identical twins, their differences can be accentuated to increase their individual sense of security and "specialness" in the family. Every child needs to know they are "special" which assures them of a secure irreplaceable position in their experience in the family "tribe".

Your brilliant observation that your experience of parenting resembles that of a mother with a 15 month old and a 2 year old is your guiding light! You may want to adjust your parenting to reflect this reality. Separating toys, friends, activities while encouraging a loving and appropriate caretaking relationship towards a younger sibling would be a natural . While parenting twins that have differing developmental maturity is hard, your strength in handling this situation may be facilitated by acceptance of an "older" (developmentally) and "younger" sibling constellation.

In your case, the old adage " the answers to problems lie within" is likely to be true. Perhaps you are wiser than you think!

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