ANSWER: Words are symbolic. Through speech, we attempt to represent our life experiences. We use language to express ourselves, to communicate our needs and feelings to others. How then, do we set limits around "bad" words with our children? We want our children to be able to express a wide range of feelings, in order to communicate their needs, even when these feelings are unpopular, like "I hate you" or "not fair".

If we want to teach a child not to hurt others, or to be fair, it is likely to be more effective if done in the context of relationship, rather than by banning a list of words. We run the risk of teaching our children repression, akin to the old adage, "Don't say anything unless you can say something nice".

But feelings are not always nice. We get angry. And we sometimes get so mad we want to hurt others. The boundary between our feelings and actions is critical. Teaching a child that it is ok to be angry, but it is not acceptable to hit is necessary. But curtailing language with a list of "bad" words risks oversimplification and misses the real point: That relationships require empathy and a dance between our own needs and others. Hurting ourselves by not expressing our feelings can be as damaging to our relationships as expressing them through name-calling. We must take care to establish guidelines for communication that help our children work through conflict in relationship, rather than focus on "bad" words, if we want more than a superficial result.

Three years old is not too young to explain what name-calling is and why it is not done in our family. You can also ask your three year old to use his words when he is angry and suggest that he does not really hate you, but he is very angry at you. (Allowing him the emotional freedom to express his anger in words may be enough, and he may spontaneously stop saying he hates you! ) Respect is a part of effective communication. But not name calling during arguments with your spouse or when angry is your best insurance that your child will follow suit.

By all means, let your children know that you do not want them to name-call, swear or use "shut up" to someone. But stop short of calling in the "word police", before your child has even mastered language as a means of true self-expression. Limits can be added later. And experimenting with "bad" words is a part of most children's experience. These behaviors usually go away by if the adults explain their reasons for not using certain words, and behave accordingly.