QUESTION: I am 15 years old. Two weeks ago I lost my great-grandma.
We were very close. I finally had the courage to go to her room a
week before she died. She had no idea who I was. It made me feel very
confused. How come she didn't know me? It was like our whole relationship
was gone. I am afraid to talk to my grandparents about how I feel.
Should I tell them, or hold my feelings inside? I can't talk to my
parents because they died two years ago.
ANSWER: It is not unusual for elderly
people to enter an altered state of awareness before they die. Your
experience of your great-grandmother's inability to recognize you
is not at all uncommon. Still, without anyone to talk with about it,
no wonder it has left you feeling quite upset. Not only have you lost
a very dear relative, but you felt you were "forgotten" in her last
moments of life. Do not stay alone with this loss. Definitely let
your grandparents know your feelings!
This loss may be especially difficult to bear because
it comes only a short time after the loss of your own parents. Great-grandma's
death will likely make you think of the losses of your mother and
father, too. You will need the support of your grandparents to mourn.
Consider asking your grandparents to help you honor
your great-grandma with a family ritual. Invite people to share stories
about her life ... funny ones, tender ones. Use this opportunity to
share your feelings and relationship with her. Let others know what
she has meant to you over the years. Write a poem, draw a picture,
or tell a story about your great-grandmother. Do not be afraid to
let your tears flow openly, in honor of your relationship. Sharing
it with others allows her to live on in the hearts and minds of those
around you, as well as your own. Do not be shy to include memories
of your parents, too, as they no doubt are an integral part of these
family memories.
Do not be surprised if you feel not only sadness,
but also anger. When loss has been great, it is not unusual to feel
angry at the course life has taken. Your confusion will clear and
your anger will soften as you are able to share and express your feelings,
rather than keep them inside.
Your great-grandmother was very special to you. Your
relationship with her will continue to live on, as you hold her inside
of you. The relationship you had with her is far from forgotten. Instead,
it becomes a part of who you are, and is woven into the stories you
will tell your children and grandchildren. Share this pain with your
family who is also grieving. Let them be there for you. After all,
being there for one another is what family is all about!
