QUESTION: My granddaughter drowned 18
months ago at age three. Her cousin Emma, who is now three years old,
asks daily, "Why did Ilana have to die?" She and Ilana both lived
with us (grandparents), so they were very close. Emma is also concerned
that my husband and I are old and will die soon. Emma and I have made
a flower garden in Ilana's memory, but I'm finding it difficult to
answer Emma's questions. Can you help me?
ANSWER: The loss of Ilana is more like
that of a sibling, since both of your grandchildren have lived with
you as their primary caretakers. As with any loss, your surviving
granddaughter will continue to process it at each new stage of cognitive
development. Since she was a baby herself when the tragedy occurred,
she is left with many unspoken questions. She is only now capable
of putting words to her feelings about what happened. Addressing the
hole left in the family at this point is a necessary stage in the
process of her grieving.
Talking with your living grandchild about her cousin's
death will help her mourn. But it will also bring up fresh pain for
you. Sharing your feelings of missing your granddaughter and being
able to say "I don't know" when this is your best answer is a part
of that process. Do not expect yourself to have all the answers. But
do address any unresolved feelings about the accident that your grandchild's
questions may stimulate for you. Consider seeking counseling to address
any feelings of anger, guilt, or sadness that threaten to overwhelm
you in any way. Getting help yourself may be necessary in order for
you to help your living grandchild cope with her loss.
It is a little-known fact that the second year following
a significant loss is a crucial period in a family's grieving process.
All too often, the initial support from friends and family has lessened
by this time, and the initial shock, which numbs some of the pain,
has yielded to a deeper, more solitary sadness. This often results
in greater depression in the second year. Seeking help and support
through this second year can spell the difference between depression
and healing.
Rest assured, your grandchild's worry that you will
die is a natural one. Even the death of a pet can bring this anxiety
to the fore for young children. The absence of her own parents as
primary caretakers may intensify her concern, as she begins to notice
that you are older than most of her friend's parents. Be prepared
for this issue. It is at this age that children begin to recognize
that aging and dying are somehow connected. Children worry about who
will care for them if something happens to their primary caretakers.
And the actual loss of a family member only makes this concern more
real.
Reassurance is necessary. Consider making plans for
Emma's care in your will, if you have not already done so. Tell her
about these contingency caretaking plans, to help ease her fears.
But at the same time, let her know that you expect to live a long
and healthy life!
You are doing a great job by creating a flower garden
to honor Ilana's life! This not only gives both you and your grandchild
an outlet for your grief, but uses nature to help you hold and transform
sorrow. Drawing pictures or helping your grandchild express her feelings
through play is also an excellent way to support her healing. By the
age of four, she may benefit from play therapy or a child's support
group. Research the services in your area; for example, a local hospital
may offer support groups for children who have lost siblings or other
family members. It will help her to know that there are others who,
like her, have lost loved ones and continue to live their lives.
You, too, can experience ongoing support through the
organization Compassionate Friends, which can connect you with others
in a similar situation to yours who may be able to help mentor you
through this stage of your own grieving.
The premature death of a child is one of life's most
difficult losses. Dealing with it may be a lifetime's work. Do not
stay alone with this pain. Continue to seek help and support through
this next year, and as needed in the years that follow, to help you
heal.
