QUESTION: I recently lost my granddaughter
due to stillbirth. I am really grieving over the loss. What coping
and healing measures do you suggest for our family? I also worry about
my grandson who is 10 years old and doesn't talk much about his baby
sister. Is there anything I can do to help?
ANSWER: The loss of a child, particularly
at birth, can be especially difficult because this kind of grief is
so poorly understood. Although family members did not spend years
knowing and being with this little one, their hearts are full with
dreams and anticipation that remain unfulfilled. This precipitous
loss leaves an emptiness that is difficult to express because there
is little visible evidence of the child's presence on earth.
The healing power of family ritual is essential for
creating a space to hold this grief. A ceremony that allows for the
marking of this child's place in the family may help facilitate the
flow of emotions. A family ritual may involve religious or spiritual
elements, including nature's help in some symbolic way, such as planting
a flower garden or tree in honor of life. Such a ritual marks the
importance of this life event and can help a family with healthy expression,
rather than repression, of feelings.
Remember, too, that individuals grieve in different
ways. It is not uncommon for parents to grow apart from one another,
rather than pull together in the aftermath that follows the loss of
a child. This sometimes is a result of not allowing for differences
in how people grieve. Women may desire a more outward display of emotions,
while men may grieve more privately. Misunderstandings can occur --
for example, when a grieving mother feels her husband is not mirroring
her sorrow. She may feel alone in her grief, believing that her husband
is not as affected by the loss, or that he has gotten "past" it more
quickly than she. Depression can set in, and spouses can become disconnected
from one another.
As a grandparent, you may be in a position of offering
wisdom during this pivotal period. If you see the strain of this life
event driving spouses apart, rather than together, consider lending
a compassionate ear to each party separately. This could be a crucial
juncture to encourage communication, helping a couple to come to terms
with their shared pain and their differences in coping. But this is
not the only place you may lend a helping hand! You may also be a
compassionate observer for understanding the effects of the family
loss on your 10-year-old grandson.
It is not uncommon for surviving children to feel
guilt about the loss of a sibling. How a family processes this event
can make the difference in a child's adjustment. Provide opportunity
for your grandson to express his feelings about this family loss.
Especially, allow him to vocalize unpopular feelings, which Mom and
Dad may have difficulty hearing at this time. He may be angry at the
inevitable withdrawal of attention by his parents during their preoccupation
with the death of his sister. And because he did not have the same
dreams as his parents, or know his sister in any tangible way, he
may not feel the depth of sadness or even quite understand his parents'
grief. He may even feel less worthy to his parents, who seem to so
value this ghost of a person rather than himself!
Acknowledge the way in which your grandson's life
is touched by the loss of his sister. But do not expect him to grieve
with the same intensity. Support his normal activities and his joy
in life, even while his parents mourn. His silence may indicate confusion
about his feelings, or guilt because his feelings do not exactly match
his parents' sorrow.
Support groups for parents who have lost children
can be a godsend in giving parents a place to express their ongoing
grief and be more emotionally present for their surviving children.
As a grandmother, you can help by researching support groups in your
area -- in addition to being there for your grandson's range of feelings
and helping parents to accept the differences that may arise in the
grieving process.
But do not forget yourself! You, too, need to express
your pain. Whether you choose to turn to family or friends, do not
bear this alone.
