QUESTION: My daughter's ex-husband is
African-American, and she is white. Her interracial marriage was a
disaster! He was abusive in every way -- physically, mentally, and
emotionally -- to my daughter and their two children. He would not
work. He abandoned his family. My daughter had to get a divorce in
order to get financial help. How can I discourage my daughter from
entering into a second interracial relationship?
ANSWER: Your daughter's problem was
not that she married someone of another race. Her problem was that
she chose a man who abused her and their children. Rather than directing
her away from interracial relationships, turn your energy toward assisting
her in finding the help she needs so that she does not repeat this
abusive experience.
Interracial marriage presents unique challenges. But
in any relationship, couples must work through differences and come
together to forge their own unique family culture. Negotiating differences
and expressing respect are two characteristics family researchers
identify that contribute to healthy family relationships. Clearly,
these were lacking from your daughter's marriage.
Why your daughter was attracted to a man who abused
her is the question she should be looking into before entering into
another relationship. Low self-esteem is a likely culprit, rather
than interracial marriage. Without self-respect and the tools she
needs to succeed in forging a healthy relationship, she will likely
pick another loser, whatever his race or ethnic origins.
Support your daughter to seek individual counseling
to understand why she chose to marry an abusive man. Support groups
for battered women are also extremely helpful in keeping women from
repeating dysfunctional relationships. It is imperative that she get
the help she needs, to raise her own self-esteem, before she can truly
help her children.
But that's not all you should do. It seems to me that
you are reacting out of fear, and blaming the race factor for your
daughter's suffering. It is important that you look deeper into yourself
to understand what you may be attempting to avoid by scapegoating
race for your daughter's problems. It is possible that you are sidestepping
the pain of a cycle of abuse that runs through your family, perhaps
for generations. Whether it be verbal or physical abuse, your daughter
was susceptible to an abusive marriage and did not see the writing
on the wall when she chose to marry a man who would harm her.
Research shows that abuse is often passed down through
generations in one form or another. Mental, physical, or emotional
disrespect for another may not be new to your daughter. The good news
is she got out of the relationship. The not-so-good news is that your
own tendency to blame race is likely to hurt, rather than help, your
biracial grandchildren. As a grandparent, you can be a powerful positive
OR negative influence. Stop short of adding racism to the pain they
are already suffering. And do not shy away from taking a deeper look
into your response to your daughter's anguish.
Look into your own relationships with men, or other
relationships your daughter experienced growing up. Consider whether
there may have been (or are) patterns of disrespect or disregard for
others. Doing so will nurture the effort toward healing in the family.
Reflecting on past generations of relationship patterns is likely
to be the best recourse in adding to your family's resources, rather
than detracting from them.
Helping your daughter onto a path of healing through
understanding herself and raising her self-esteem is the best way
to break the cycle of abuse. As a grandparent, you have a choice to
be a part of the solution. Turn your energies toward the painful task
of looking at the cause of the suffering, and at what will keep your
daughter out of another abusive relationship.
And remember ... it is never too late for us old grandparents
to learn new tricks! We are all blinded by our own upbringing. But
life is for learning. Use the pain you are facing now for gaining
new knowledge. Refer to my book, Making Healthy Families, for exercises
in discovering family patterns and clarifying what exactly contributes
to healthy family relationships.
Do not berate yourself for any negative patterns you
may uncover. Instead, pat yourself on the back for being willing to
learn, change, and reflect at any age. Your positive example can contribute
to a healing pattern that stems the tide of abuse in the generations
that follow!
