QUESTION: My youngest daughter, mother of my grandson, decided
that because she did not inherit from my mother what she thought she
should, that she should cut me off. My mother made her own decisions
as to where her estate should go. I understand that some grandparents
are cut off because they do not respect boundaries or are "busybodies."
But this is not the case here. My daughter is blackmailing me. No
one hears the grandparent's side of this story. When phone calls are
screened and not returned, and letters sent back unopened, what can
we do? They walked out of mediation. She's a sick girl, and my grandson
has suffered for the past five years. Where is the best interest of
the child here?
ANSWER: You are right that the best
interests of your grandson are likely being overridden by the conflict
between you and your daughter. And she is holding you responsible
for an act that was beyond your control. No wonder you are upset!
This situation represents a serious rupture of family
relationships. Unresolved grief and anger can lead to depression,
so take your own needs into consideration first. Consider seeking
your own therapy for addressing the feelings you experience in your
role in the family. But do not stop there! Seek an understanding of
any family patterns and history that could shed light on how such
a serious rupture could have occurred in the first place.
Explore your own relationship with your mother, and
her relationship with your grandmother. This kind of "cutting off"
is often an expression of built-up tensions from several generations
past. Your daughter appears to show poor coping skills, including
blaming others and punishing through withdrawal when she is hurt or
does not get what she feels is fair. Have patterns of cutting off,
withdrawal, and punishing through withdrawal occurred in any previous
generation when conflict erupted? Is there a pattern of money standing
in for love? If so, perhaps this is not the first squabble over inheritance
or money that has occurred among family members.
Certainly none of this would excuse your daughter's
walking out on mediation, her poor negotiating skills, or her hurtful
behavior. But it might help you understand the family forces at work.
Such an understanding may help you to eventually communicate with
her in a manner that is empathetic, rather than accusatory. If you
are able to glean the emotional nature of what money stands for in
the family, you may then be able to use the skills of a family therapist
to help you write a letter or make a phone call that could be heard
rather than rejected.
Remember, however, that it is not your job to heal
the family. This is bigger than you, and doing this kind of inner
work and reaching out should be to benefit yourself. If you are able
to touch your grief and sadness in the context of your family's history,
it is possible that your emotional work will influence others, including
your daughter. This is not magic, but a fact of family therapy. One
person's actions do affect the whole. And you, too, may have an effect
on other members, through inner reflection on the larger family forces
of money, love, and inheritance that continue to be fought from the
grave.
The money is both a real resource your daughter feels
she was denied, and an emotional communication from grandma. What
does the loss of the inheritance really represent for your daughter?
What is the pain of not receiving money from grandma, particularly
if other siblings did? Whether it will be enough for you to understand
her pain, rather than be forced to "make it right," remains to be
seen. But it is worth a try!
There are no easy answers here. I respect your pain
and am deeply saddened by your predicament. I am not defending your
daughter in her actions, but I am certain that viewing her as the
single evil force in the situation will lead your family only to solidify,
rather than resolve the family entrenchment. I am hopeful that suggesting
you embrace a broader perspective -- one that includes family history
and consulting with a competent family therapist -- will offer some
chance for change, and recovery of the love lost between the two of
you.
