QUESTION: My two adult children are not
on speaking terms with each other. Both would like to come to my home
for the holidays -- with their children. What should I do?
ANSWER: Families do not always live
up to our expectations of how members should behave or treat one another.
When our visions of harmonious family holiday gatherings become splintered
by family conflicts, we may become sad or or angry. But unrealistic
expectations and pressure to be in harmony may also bear a part of
the blame! Making room for disagreement in family relationships allows
members to remain connected even through disappointment and conflict,
rather than breaking apart.
What you should do in this situation depends on what
you want and what level of effort you are willing to give toward making
that happen. If you would like to invite both your children and their
families over for a holiday celebration, by all means tell them so.
Ask your children separately whether it would be possible to gather
together this holiday. Be clear that they would have to rise above
their differences and that you know this is difficult, but what is
the alternative?
Do they anticipate being permanently cut off forever?
Or could they find some place in between, in which they agree temporarily
to stay away from tense topics and simply accept the fact that they
are both members of the same family? Suggest that they offer the olive
branch to each other in order for them and their children to be able
to come together in your home for a celebration.
Ask them both to step up to the plate and take responsibility
for finding a way to accept their differences -- to agree to disagree
-- and, at least for one occasion, to call an end to the silent treatment.
Clarify realistic expectations. Make it clear that you do not expect
them to love each other -- or even like each other -- at this point!
You would expect simply that they act respectfully and face the fact
that they are siblings, a fact that will not alter with their withdrawal
from each other.
This would be a truce, not a transformation. It is
the first step toward accepting discord in family relationships, rather
than allowing it to tear families apart. Do not pressure them to create
a family "myth" of togetherness. Instead, make your goal this holiday
season a healthy tolerance for difference! Being able to live with
differences is one sign of health in family relationships.
You have nothing to lose by asking. And by doing so,
you are highlighting the untenability of remaining forever silent
with each other. Be careful not to take "sides" or blame either one
for the rift. Instead, simply state your own desire clearly for having
one family celebration that includes all of your grandchildren and
their parents.
If they both agree, keep the celebration short to
increase the likelihood that it will be a success rather than a failure.
And be prepared to carry out an alternative plan, if necessary.
If your children continue to be entrenched in their
conflict, consider what the next best thing would be for you. Would
you like to invite them over for separate celebrations? Is it possible,
or desirable, for the grandchildren to come together for a kids-and-grandparents
celebration, without their parents present? Or attend a holiday movie
or play together? After all, why should the grandchildren lose one
another because their parents are on strike from family contact?
Suggesting such alternatives to your children clarifies
the impact on the next generation. It may inspire reflection, instead
of retaliation. Although your children may not succeed in coming together
this year, perhaps by next holiday season they will benefit from considering
your perspective.
Express your voice in the family, but don't expect
warmth and affection from members who feel coolly towards one another.
Instead, focus on tolerating differences and accepting the fact of
connection that exists as a part of family history. Do not impose
guilt, but do point out the effects of their choices on the next generation.
Although you have a right to your vision of family
harmony, you will have to accept the present reality. Rather than
succumb to depression, change your own expectations. Reflect that
your children's separation from each other is unrealistic, and at
the same time hold out reasonable expectations for ways in which the
family can relate at this point in time. A realistic approach may
prove a powerful combination in bringing your family together again.
