QUESTION: My husband (age 76) and I (age
65) are raising our teenage grandson. He is a handsome young man and
very smart, but he has quit school because his mother made him very
angry. He is 17 and would have graduated in May with a full scholarship.
I tried to talk to him, but he would not listen. He wants to get his
GED. I am afraid this will prevent him from being able to go to college.
I am wondering if I should worry about it or just let him do this
own thing. I have gotten counseling for him, but he still carries
that anger with him. His mother treats him horribly. But what can
I do other than be there for him and support and love him?
ANSWER: Your grandson is very angry,
but it does appear that he is taking his anger out on himself. No
wonder you are worried! Your love and support are crucial, and connecting
him with a counselor he can trust will likely help him sort through
his hurt feelings and act in his best interests over time. Meanwhile,
you cannot make him return to school. But there are indeed things
you can do to help!
Begin by helping him recognize that his actions are
self-destructive. Specifically, since your grandson is bright and
had a scholarship waiting for him, he definitely is turning his anger
at his mother against himself. Let him know that you hope his self-sabotage
will be brief, and that although you understand his anger, you do
not accept his hurting himself because of it. After all, what does
he hope to achieve? Hurting his mother by failing? How long will this
work, and who will really suffer in the end? Ask him to consider channeling
his anger into his own success, rather than trying to get back at
his mother by failing to graduate!
There may be other reasons for his actions that he
will need to discover. Self-knowledge will help him make decisions
in his best interests. Rest assured that this is not a mistake he
cannot rectify. Clearly, he can return to school to finish, or perhaps
attend summer school to complete his high school program. Talk with
him about possibilities for completion.
But do not stop there! Make an appointment with his
high school academic counselor or the principal to discuss his situation
and how to help him through it. It is not uncommon to create alternative
plans for helping students who experience turmoil at this time in
their life. School officials are often helpful at coming up with plans
for completing school, especially when a student has shown such promise
and performed as well as your grandson.
You may also contact the college from which he received
a scholarship offer to arrange a delay for special circumstances.
There will be some administrative work to do, but bringing his situation
to the attention of academic personnel may yield an appeal process
that can enable him to delay attendance to the following semester,
while he completes his high school requirements. He may even be able
to complete his high school program through a junior college. Some
students in similar positions work out an alternative by attending
college classes that serve as high school credits for graduation.
As a grandparent, you can help by keeping the nuts
and bolts in place for him as he struggles with riding this wave of
anger AND pointing it in a healthier direction! Let him know that
you are not giving up on him, and ask that he do likewise. Keep him
involved and informed of each possibility as you research and gather
information on alternatives. Although your grandson likely could continue
his education at a junior college level with a GED, it is wiser, if
possible, to help him finish his high school program, rather than
take a shortcut that curtails his choices unnecessarily.
There may be a time in his future that he may not
have control of his destiny, and quitting may be a necessary decision.
But let him know clearly that this is not one of those times, and
you do not see him as a quitter!
Rest assured that with your love and help, he will
find his way. Your grandson is smart, and with insight, he will be
able to use his intelligence to help himself, rather than hurt himself.
You are showing him that he is worth it, by researching the alternatives
and insisting he consider them. Helping him through this period gives
him the message that he matters, no matter what is going on with his
mother!
Your grandson is in emotional pain. But his method
of coping with it is dysfunctional. Taking a stand against self-destructive
responses now not only can help him get back on track, but may prevent
him from taking his anger out on himself in the future when feelings
threaten to overwhelm him.
