QUESTION: My wife and I have been
married for two years and we have a 13-month-old son. I am our son's
primary caregiver, since I work from home. After coping with both
work and parenting every day, I feel that my wife an I need some time
to ourselves. (Baby-sitters are no problem for us since my mother-in-law
lives nearby.) My wife, however, does not seem to agree. When I discuss
this with my wife, her response is always that our baby is still too
small and would miss us too much. Please help.
ANSWER: You are your son's
father. What is your opinion about your child's ability to cope with
being with grandma for two to three hours while you and your wife
go out for a romantic evening? If you feel confident that this is
reasonable, let your wife know that you disagree with her assessment.
You are clearly ready to rejuvenate the couples'
relationship with some intimate, private time together. Your desires
are in line with your son's needs for Mommy and Daddy to have a
strong and viable relationship. After all, your marriage is the
foundation for your child's growth and development. Without a healthy,
intimate couples' bond, the future of your marriage could become
at risk.
Perhaps it is your wife who needs support to separate
from the baby. At 13 months, your child has developed a sense of
basic trust which should allow him to adjust to brief periods away
from you. You are speaking for the well-being of the marriage when
you suggest it is time for some devoted attention to each other.
Without sufficient time to be together, the spark between you may
grow dim and be difficult, if not impossible to rekindle. Certainly
it has happened to other couples following the birth of a child!
New parenthood is a significant transition which
creates deep identity changes for men and women. It is important
to create a shared, instead of separate journey. Couples sharing
requires time to focus on one another. Without this kind of intimacy,
many couples find that their relationship becomes unbalanced. It
is great to focus on your children and family time, but it does
not replace the "special" bond of two adults in life partnership.
Require some devoted time, even if it is an evening
at home with candlelight after your baby is asleep. Keep in mind
that if your wife works away from the house and is not your son's
primary caretaker during the day, it may be more difficult for her
to leave him in the evenings and on weekends. Perhaps it is she
who is missing him! However, with your support and your gentle but
firm insistence, you may find that your wife is willing to leave
him for a limited time period on a weekend. Be understanding and
supportive of her feelings, but clear of your opinion that your
son will be fine. Acknowledge that the first time may be more difficult
for her than for him. Take a pager or cell phone, or leave the restaurant
number you will be at with grandma. Assure your wife that her mother
will call her if needed.
Consider also that your wife may be avoiding intimacy.
Perhaps it is awkward to be alone together after so long. Acknowledge
these feelings, but do not let this gap widen. It is time to attend
to your relationship. Your child will benefit from the attention
you pay to strengthening your marriage. A healthy marriage is your
best insurance for your child's future.
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