QUESTION: My granddaughter is 15 and a
sophomore in high school. Her mother says she is not ready for sex,
but she says she is! Her mother found out she has been sneaking off
to see a boyfriend and has forbidden her from seeing him anymore.
What can her mother or I do to convince my granddaughter that she
is too young to have sex? My daughter is heartsick.
ANSWER: While forbidding a younger child
from an activity because of age may be effective, it is rarely a successful
course of action in preventing a teenager from having sex. Your granddaughter's
psychological readiness to share her body with a sexual partner deserves
special consideration, and having a talk with her about sex is definitely
in order! But keep in mind that offering guidance in her decisionmaking,
rather than dictating ultimatums, is a necessary adjustment that parents
must make as their children enter their adolescent years.
Teens are not young children, nor are they adults.
They are betwixt and between! Help your daughter navigate these waters
by pointing out that she no longer has the same kind of control over
her daughter that she did when your granddaughter was a young child.
But this does not mean that she does not have a strong and powerful
influence on the decisions she makes!
What a mother can do
First, consider sharing the following points with
your daughter for her to draw on in a mother-daughter discussion about
sex.
Having sex is an intimate experience with both emotional
and physical dimensions. Do not be too intimidated to speak frankly
and directly about sex with your teen. It is your teenager's job to
challenge -- and yours to answer the call by letting her know your
beliefs and philosophy. This is an opportunity to share with her your
values as a woman, as well as a mother. If you truly believe that
sex should be nurtured within a loving and committed relationship,
tell your daughter why. If you believe that trust is an important
prerequisite to sexual vulnerability with another, explain why you
believe it will make a difference for her.
Let your daughter know that having sex is an important
event, that you want her be ready for, emotionally as well as physically,
to ensure a positive experience. Emotional health and self-esteem
hinge upon meaningful relationships with others, whether they are
sexualized or not. Sex can alter the definition of an existing relationship.
It is a big step that requires responsibility for another person.
If trust is important in friendship, why wouldn't it be crucial in
a sexual relationship? Help your daughter to anticipate these changes
and evaluate how she might feel about having sex with someone, after
the fact. Help her to anticipate the emotional closeness she could
feel, and the expectations and commitment she might expect from her
boyfriend. Or the rejection she could experience if he pulls away
for any reason.
At such a young age, she is ready to date, but is
she really ready for a commitment of this kind? Let her know that
you think it is wise to wait. And that there is no harm in taking
her time to see what the relationship is about before sexualizing
it. Ask her to slow things down, and to continue talking with you
rather than feeling pressured to jump into sex at this time.
In addition to the issues of trust and vulnerability,
be sure to address the equally important matters of health and pregnancy
risks. Talk about safe sex and contraception, even if your daughter
chooses to delay sex with her boyfriend at this time. Discuss the
risks of pregnancy. And talk about sexually transmitted diseases --
not only the deadly HIV, which causes AIDS, but also less-publicized
diseases such as HPV, which can lead to cervical cancer, and chlamydia,
which can cause infertility. Point out that such diseases may cause
no noticeable symptoms, and her partner may be infected without realizing
it. Don't forget to discuss oral sex, too, as many teens are now turning
to oral sex as an alternative that does not risk pregnancy. It is
possible to contract many STDs orally, particularly herpes, which
is incurable.
You may find it particularly awkward at first. But
if you talk through your initial discomfort, you will likely find
that your relationship with your daughter deepens as she sees you
as a resource in her decisionmaking rather than an obstacle. After
all, you are her mother and you do have her best interests at heart.
She might even be secretly relieved for your guidance on the subject!
What a grandmother can do
Your job as a grandmother is to support the mother-daughter
relationship. Support your daughter by suggesting she accept the changes
adolescence brings to her relationship with her daughter. Help her
to see that it is in her best interest, and her daughter's, to respect
the fact that your granddaughter is reaching an age at which she will
begin to make her own decisions. She is in transition between childhood
and adulthood, a sort of "beginning adult"! And she needs guidance.
You can help by supporting your daughter in her struggles
to change her approach. Make suggestions in a warm and loving manner.
And point her toward establishing a safe space for having discussions,
rather than dictating your daughter's behavior. Help her to adopt
an attitude of guidance rather than control. Establishing a safe environment
for these discussions will make it more likely that your granddaughter
will turn to her mother in time of need, rather than turn away from
her!
Your support as a grandmother can give your daughter
the perspective she needs to make the changes adolescence requires.
Do not underestimate your power to make a difference in the lives
of two women you love and cherish!
