QUESTION: When my daughter-in-law corrects
our nine-year-old granddaughter in our presence, our granddaughter
tends to get belligerent and ugly to her mother. This makes my husband
and I feel as though we might have something to do with it. We try
to abide by their rules, and we love our daughter-in-law very much.
Do you have any advice for us?
ANSWER: Children do test limits, and
this age is no exception. Your granddaughter is aware that her mother
will likely feel a bit inhibited about disciplining her in front of
company, and she may be temporarily enjoying her newfound freedom
... even (you guessed it!) taking advantage of the situation. Perhaps
she even imagines that grandma or grandpa will take her side, especially
if she sees you in only a positive, loving light, which is a common
role for grandparents.
It does not sound like it is your fault at all! This
is a common situation that many grandparents are exposed to at one
time or another. Power struggles are a natural part of children's
development. Your granddaughter may be practicing a sense of power
over her mother, or may be expressing her anger at her when she feels
she can "get away with it." What better way to challenge mom's authority,
than in front of grandma? Limits will need to be set, but not by you.
Your grandchild and her parents will resolve whatever conflict may
be surfacing around her burgeoning independence.
But in the meantime, no doubt it causes your daughter-in-law
tension, and makes you feel uncomfortable, too. Although there is
not much you need to do, you may lessen the tension if you are able
to comment on the embarrassment itself. Perhaps you can acknowledge
the tension by sharing experiences you may have had as a parent. For
example, can you ever remember being embarrassed by your son (her
husband?) when he was this same age as your granddaughter? Finding
a solution is not necessary. Establishing a point of connection and
the reassurance that comes from the perspective of time, however,
can be rewarding to both of you. The struggles and experiences of
embarrassment that children bring to us as parents are precious only
in retrospect!
This is your chance to bond with your daughter-in-law
around the travails of parenthood. Offer her your camaraderie, as
one who has been there. Not only will this be likely to ease tension
in the situation you describe, but it may free your daughter-in-law
to act more spontaneously in your presence. When that happens, your
granddaughter will lose the advantage she holds, and the acting out
may stop.
This is not an unusual occurrence. It is often short-lived,
as parents realize what is happening and adjust their behavior to
match the situation. Your daughter-in-law will no doubt step up to
the challenge to end this rude behavior, which may only erupt when
you (or another audience) are present.
Be prepared for a resolution to occur on one of your
visits, when your granddaughter is finally sent to her room (or whatever
the consequence is for rude behavior!). Once a child understands that
a parent is no longer inhibited from showing firmness and delivering
consequences in front of others, the game is up!
Whatever is going on between parents and child will
need to be worked out among themselves. You are already sensitive
and respectful of this, so there is no need for you to believe that
you are causing any problems whatsoever!
