QUESTION: I am an assistant coach on my
13-year-old grandson's baseball team. I find that some of the players,
especially my grandson, are excessively self- critical when they miss
the ball, at bat or on the field. It seems to affect his self-esteem
and ability to perform. I feel helpless, yet I want so much to make
a difference. Is there anything I can do to help?
ANSWER: The regular course of puberty
itself can be trying! Hormonal shifts and a rapidly changing body
can bring self-doubt to any young man at the threshold of adolescence.
But life stress -- particularly if related to divorce or other family
problems -- can undermine a child's self-esteem at a more permanent
level if it affects his performance. You are right to be concerned!
Your best approach would be to help him handle his
failures in a more constructive fashion. Continued self-deprecation
in response to poor performance can set a negative feedback loop in
motion resulting in lowered self-esteem. Self-worth that swings wildly
up and down, depending on your last catch or foul, can create a downward
spiral and even encourage depression.
The good news is that, as an involved grandparent,
you are in exactly the right place to make a big difference. Children
respond to someone who believes in them. As a grandparent, you can
provide emotional support and encouragement at a pivotal point in
your grandson's life. Do not underestimate your power to nurture his
growth by listening and encouraging him in key moments on the baseball
field. You have a unique opportunity to teach self-appreciation and
psychological skills that will not only help him through a difficult
period, but will remain with him for a lifetime!
First, take this opportunity to educate your grandson
about the mind-body connection in sports performance. Teach him that
taking care of himself is mental as well as physical. The first step
is to handle disappointment. Let him know that disappointment when
he strikes out is inevitable and natural. But educate him to the fact
that positive self-talk (such as "I am doing my best to learn, and
I will have chance to practice to improve my game") rather than negative
statements ("I am such an idiot. I will never learn this game") make
a difference in performance.
Appeal to your grandchild's common sense, by clarifying
that when he berates himself, he puts extra stress on his body which
he must then recover from, instead of spending that same amount of
energy improving his skill level. Clarify that he puts himself at
a disadvantage when he adds insult to disappointment in times of failure.
Do not shy away from using drama to get your points
across. For example: Role-play the "body" while he plays the role
of the "mind." Ask him to berate you, and respond physically to his
message, slumping your shoulders, looking down and disrupting your
focus on the ball. Then ask him to say encouraging remarks, and reflect
the recovery of your body standing tall and continuing to do its best.
Be sure to change roles with him, so that he can feel the effect of
these words on his own body's response.
Help your grandchild develop an "inner coach" that
can help him through difficult times. Tell him you believe in him
and want him to tell himself the things you would tell him. Be aware
that your relationship serves as the role model for this internalization,
and act the part! Be supportive and nurturing, especially when you
know your grandson is particularly hard on himself. Refrain from ridicule.
When criticizing performance, make positive suggestions, rather than
condemnations. Model the positive attitude you want him to adopt.
Your role as a coach and grandparent can be an instrumental
one. You enjoy a unique position for teaching life skills that reach
far beyond the playing field. Do not underestimate your power to influence
as a grandfather. Instead, use it wisely!
