QUESTION: I'm a very involved grandmother,
and I'm concerned about my 12-year-old grandson, who has begun lying
to me. His parents are getting a divorce, but I don't think that is
completely the reason for his lying. He used to be able to talk to
me about anything, but things have changed. I have been taking care
of him a lot more lately. He is getting failing grades at school.
His dad, mom, and I have been to his school and talked to the teachers,
but nothing has changed in his schoolwork. I'm at my wit's end, and
it breaks my heart. Is this behavior normal for puberty?
ANSWER: Adolescence does usher in a
greater amount of privacy for teens, and you may not find a 12-year-old
as eager to share his life with you as he was before. But your grandson's
behavior shows signs that he is in deeper trouble than the transition
through puberty alone would suggest.
Failing grades and lying may indeed be symptoms of
distress caused by tumultuousness of the divorce, at a time when normal
stresses of adolescence are also peaking. After all, puberty is a
tumultuous period even when all else is solid and unchanged. But divorce,
like the loss of a parent, can cause an adolescent great insecurity
even as his development requires a thrust towards separation.
Adolescence is a period in which teens begin to seek
greater independence from their parents. This drive towards greater
independence can become much more complicated when divorce ushers
in changes to your grandson's psychological foundation of home and
family. Children respond differently to such stress, and your grandson
may be resorting to lies to avoid conflicts he feels unable to face.
Depression, too, may be setting in, causing him to want to run away
rather than face his problems. Turning to drugs (or to a peer group
that uses drugs) to escape reality when it is too overwhelming can
provide motivation to lie.
Your grandson needs more help than what you have been
able to provide through his teachers at school. Talk with his parents
about professional counseling to help him through this period of struggle
and pain. "Kids Turn" in the Bay Area and "Families in Transition"
in Marin County, CA, are examples of programs that provide support
for parents and children going through divorce. Locate a local organization
in your area that addresses these needs.
But do not stop there! Let your grandson know that
you care. Talk with him about his parents' divorce, but only in terms
of his needs and experience, not in a way that would embroil him in
his parents' conflict. Stay focused on him, instead of talking about
his parents. For example, you might ask him "What is the worst thing
about your parents divorce, for you?" Later, if you are able to discuss
deeper feelings he has about the situation, you may even ask him,
"What is the best thing about the divorce for you?"
Your grandson may say the worst thing is traveling
between homes, for example, or missing either parent. This offers
a chance for him to establish his needs for individual parent attention,
for changes in scheduling, or for assurance that they still each love
and are committed to him, although they are divorcing each other.
If he is able to see anything positive in the change, he may say something
like, "They will not be fighting so much any longer" or "I have more
time with my father, now, than in the past."
Keep in mind, too, that your grandson's behavior may
be a call to his parents to focus on him, in order to bring them back
together. It is not unusual for children to become a "problem" in
an attempt to bring parents together who are splitting apart.
Regardless, it is time for professional help through
this difficult developmental and family transition -- to keep the
child out of the middle of the parental divorce, and to establish
a safe place for his needs as he meets his own identity crisis that
is the heart of adolescence.
Do not underestimate the stress on your grandson that
this divorce may be precipitating. It can sometimes be difficult or
impossible for a child to share feelings with parents or grandparents
during a divorce, because the child experiences pressure to "take
sides" whether or not anyone is asking him to do so. Concern over
the family distress may keep a child from expressing his own needs.
Establishing a safe, unbiased relationship with a
therapist who specializes in adolescence may offer your grandson a
safe place to share his troubles and act in his own best interests,
rather than against himself.
