1. Show your child that you are interested in his feelings. Do not neglect a child's feelings in this situation. Give him the clear message that his threats are not acceptable, but do ask him how he felt in an unfair situation. It is our job as parents or grandparents to be available to absorb our children's anger and pain as they confront life's adversities. We can function as "shock absorbers" to help them lighten the blows that are an inevitable part of growing up. Be clear that his feelings do not in any way justify a threat or act of violence. But do affirm his right to have such feelings!
   
   
2. Help him cope with his feelings. Be a good listener, and help him verbalize feelings rather than express them as actions. This helps him to separate his strong emotions from what actions he will take in an emotionally heated situation. Do not forget that a child's physical violence or expression of it begins with a sense of powerlessness. Finding words for feelings and expressing them is the first step to empowerment. Repeat back to him his feelings once he has expressed them to you -- for example, "Yes, I can understand that Larry's hogging the paints would make you angry" or "Larry must have made you very upset when he would not share the paints with you." Adults must help children name their feelings. Validating what your child experienced does not give him permission to act out in violence. But it does offer him an opportunity for learning how to cope with the emotional complexity that is part of growing up and solving problems.
   
   
3. Clarify alternative ways to solve the problem. You can point your grandchild toward becoming a part of finding a solution to his problem rather than creating more problems for himself. Help him identify what could have been done in an unfair situation. Asking for help from an adult is an appropriate avenue. A teacher, parent, or grandparent can provide comfort, if not a direct solution, and it is fitting to teach our children to turn to adults for help in finding solutions when they feel powerless! In this case, bringing the dilemma to the teacher could help identify the need for fair play and enforceable rules for sharing resources in a classroom setting.
   
   
4. Set limits. Once a child has felt heard and understood, and he can identify alternative solutions to his dilemma, he will benefit greatly from consequences for unacceptable behavior. Taking away privileges and coaching your child to apologize are effective ways to help him repair the damage in the situation. Appropriate consequences help him take this opportunity for learning seriously because he is made to feel the effects of his threat toward another. The message comes across loud and clear that such threats are unacceptable even when his feelings are legitimate.

In light of the violence that has erupted in American schools and across socio-economic boundaries, it is important to take our children's needs ever more seriously, and to remember that punishment alone is not the answer! Nor is censoring television and video games a quick remedy for what is ailing our children. Children who perpetuate violence are still children. An act of violence does not make them into instant adults (nor should they be tried as such!). We must look to ourselves as adults to determine where we fail our children at home, in our schools, and in the political arena. We live in an increasingly complex society. Yet, as a society, we do not provide our children easy access to psychological services at school, and we continue to make weapons readily accessible.

Be an active listener, set limits, and help your child identify and separate feelings from action. Use this event as a learning opportunity, and you cannot go wrong!

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