QUESTION: Our grandson is 12 years old.
We feel he lacks the skill and judgment necessary to care for his
six-year-old twin sisters. Recently he locked the basement door and
turned out the lights while the twins were in the basement playing.
They were able to turn on a light and open the door to get upstairs.
I know that they did not tell their parents about it, although they
told us. It scared them. We have not said anything to their parents.
Do you have any suggestions?
ANSWER: Your granddaughters are reaching
out to you with important information about their welfare and safety.
Take their trust seriously and address the incident directly with
their parents.
It is not merely an issue of whether your grandson
is mature enough, but of the pitfalls inherent in using an older sibling
to babysit in the first place. Putting an older sibling "in charge"
of a younger one creates a hierarchy of authority that may undermine
the quality of the sibling relationship. In your example, the younger
siblings are put in the uncomfortable position of "tattling," which
undermines their loyalty to their big brother. They may later feel
guilty if he is reprimanded. This may be a reason they remained quiet
about the basement incident. This kind of dilemma can put them all
in danger.
An older sibling who is put in a position of authority
over younger siblings also suffers by being isolated from the care-free
relationship of the younger siblings. Not only may his elevated role
be too much responsibility for him within his own family, but he may
be more likely to be abusive or neglectful, if he resents the responsibility
he is shouldering. While he could say "no" to a babysitting job for
another family, he may not have that option if his parents request
(or require) him to "help out."
While occasional babysitting may work out, especially
in short duration and with the full cooperation of all siblings, it
is typically not a good idea on a regular basis. Siblings often resent
having another sibling as an authority, making it more likely that
rebellion or chaos will break out. And it may not be viable at all,
depending on the maturity of the children and the parameters set up
by the parents. In the occasional situation where a parent does ask
an older child to care for a younger one, it is important to have
a back-up adult readily available within walking distance if things
spiral out of control, which can happen when siblings fight.
I suggest you talk with the parents about the incident.
Do not draw conclusions for them, but bring up the question of whether
your grandson is mature enough to handle the responsibility he is
being given. And point out the difficulty and dangers inherent in
such an arrangement between siblings. Ask questions that help the
parents explore the situation siblings are put in, and the danger
illustrated by the incident.
Putting one sibling in charge of another can undermine
the very nature of camaraderie and equality we so hope to nurture
between them. When resentment festers in childhood relationships,
siblings choose distance rather than closeness as adults. Do not forget
that a sibling relationship can be one of the most valuable, because
it so often spans the longest duration of any relationship we will
experience in our lifetime. A relationship with a sibling through
early, middle, and later years represents a tremendous resource throughout
our lives. Act now to keep these relationships healthy!
