QUESTION: We are raising our six-year-old grandson. He keeps
threatening to kill himself and tells us that he would be better off
dead. This usually happens when things don't go his way. He also has
started to pull his hair very hard and rap himself on his head with
his fists when he gets angry. Should we take these threats seriously?
And if so, how should we deal with this behavior?
ANSWER: Your grandson's actions as well
as his words are a clear and unmistakable cry for help. Definitely
take him seriously! Consider a consultation with a child psychologist
or counselor to help you figure out the meaning of your grandson's
behavior.
Clearly your grandson is angry and upset about something.
And he is directing his anger at himself. Perhaps there is something
he is feeling he has not yet been able to put into words or does not
feel it is safe to express to you. His upset may also be an expression
of a need to feel more in control of his life. Or he may feel as though
he is somehow a burden to you and that you would be better off if
he were out of the picture! The latter could be the case if you unexpectedly
found yourself as your grandson's primary caretakers and have some
understandable resentments, or even if you were simply unprepared
to fill the shoes you are now wearing. It's also possible that your
grandson may be suffering from some form of childhood depression.
Understanding the emotional meaning of his behavior
is the first step to helping him cope with his feelings. But meanwhile,
his self-destructive behavior is dangerous and needs to be stopped
immediately. Just as you would not allow a child to hit another child,
he should not be allowed to hit or hurt himself. Any physical hair
pulling or hitting himself should be stopped immediately, even if
it means holding your child's arms so he cannot hurt himself. If this
is necessary, do so gently but firmly, and with as much compassion
as possible.
Play therapy is likely to be the treatment of choice.
You can help by making sure that your grandson has toys to play with
that allow him to express his aggression without hurting himself or
others. Toy soldiers or action figures that fight each other may not
be popular among adults who fear that such toys lead to violence,
but they may serve in fact as a healthy and necessary release. Consider
other activities to channel aggressive energy. Sports or children's
classes in karate or aikido can also serve to channel aggression positively
while building character and self-esteem. You could even offer yourself
in a wrestling match to safely release pent-up pressures and make
physical contact with your grandson that may prove helpful.
But it is important that you consider what his self-destructive
behavior is about. Have there been any major traumas or adjustments
in his living situation? The addition of a new member to the family,
increased fighting between spouses, or other family pressures may
be a part of the problem. What does his teacher say about his social
and academic adjustment at school? Does he have friends? Does he receive
positive attention for his strengths, as well as enough help with
any weaknesses? What is the relationship between your grandson and
his parents? And whatever the situation with his parents, could feelings
of abandonment or questions about the fact that he is being raised
by grandparents be an issue now? Young children often act out their
anger when feeling ignored or insecure. What could be contributing
to your grandson's sense of insecurity at this time?
Do not stop short of getting the help you need to
find out what is going on with this little guy. Sometimes we need
to get help understanding the child we are raising!
