QUESTION: My granddaughter, age four,
has only just given up her pacifiers. At first she seemed fine about
it, but now she has started having daily accidents. The first few
times she wet her pants it didn't seem like a big problem. Now she
has also had a bowel movement in her pants, and I'm worrying. There
is additional turmoil in her life, as her mother (my daughter) is
getting a divorce and has been instructed to limit her daughter's
visitations with her spouse (who is not my granddaughter's father).
They have been separated for more than a year, so the separation is
nothing new. Do you think my granddaughter could be aware of the issues
with her stepfather, or do you think it is more likely related to
the loss of the pacifiers? What can we do to help her?
ANSWER: Your four-year-old granddaughter
is no doubt experiencing renewed stress that has arisen between her
stepfather and mother, even though they have been separated for a
year. Regression during times of stress (in this case, changes in
visitation) is predictable, and your granddaughter is likely having
potty accidents now because she lost a major means of self-soothing
when she gave up her pacifiers.
That doesn't mean that removing the pacifiers caused
the potty accidents; rather, it's likely that sucking on a pacifier
was the method this little girl developed to cope with feelings of
insecurity when she felt emotionally threatened. Although returning
the pacifier to her may help her cope at this time, it is also possible
that more than this is needed to help her feel truly secure. The degree
to which she regresses in her potty use may be an indication that
her reliance on the pacifier covered up her emotional distress, rather
than addressing it.
By all means reconsider whether it is necessary for
her to give up her pacifiers, and whether she is doing it out of a
sense of pressure to please others rather than a true readiness on
her part. Perhaps she can keep just one favorite pacifier to use at
home, when she needs it! This would allow her to gradually let go
of the pacifiers, easing her way into relinquishing these self-soothing
objects while finding other ways to cope. A new transitional object,
such as a cuddly bear or doll, could also help.
When there is tension between adults during a divorce,
children can experience feelings of disloyalty to one parent or the
other, and so it is often important to designate a neutral adult to
whom the child can talk and express feelings that might be frightening
or seem "bad." If she is not talking about the changes in her life,
she may appear to be more adjusted to the situation than is the reality.
Giving up her pacifiers may have brought to the surface deeper needs
that she has not been able to verbalize. Questions such as "Why can't
I see my `daddy' more?" need to be asked, and answered. And she needs
to be reassured that her relationships with adults are secure, despite
changes and strife. Relying on adults for comfort and for safely expressing
concerns and fears will eventually allow her to surrender the pacifiers
as a major source of security.
Grandparents can play the part of a neutral party,
if they are able to simply reflect the child's feelings, rather than
communicate any pressure to "take sides." If a neutral adult is not
available, a child therapist often fills this role, helping a young
child play out her fears and concerns with toys or dolls who may act
out the child's experiences. Playing and talking provide avenues of
emotional release through this transition, which can help a child
adjust to changes in visitation schedules, or gain reassurance that
she does not have to choose between parent figures, but can love and
receive love from them both.
Children of this age benefit from talking about divorce,
rather than avoiding it. And be aware that although your granddaughter
may understand the meaning of divorce now, she will later have new
questions as she grows that will need to be answered in context of
her new level of development. For example, understanding the differences
between a stepfather and father may not be important to her at this
time, but she may have greater understanding of these differences
later, and new questions to ask about her situation.
Make it safe for your grandchild to bring up these
topics now and in the years ahead. Be willing and ready to continue
to process these family events throughout childhood at the level of
your grandchild's understanding. Sometimes it is the child's changes
that precipitate a new level of insecurity, even though other things
seem to remain constant.
The book Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing
Families, by Marc Brown and Laurence Brown, is an excellent resource
to help children of this age begin to verbalize their fears and hopefully
let the adults in on what they need, in order to feel secure through
this process. For more tips, read my earlier column "Helping Grandchildren
Going Through Divorce."
