QUESTION: I have an obnoxious granddaughter.
It is not her fault, but the fault of her parents. They ruined our
most recent holiday dinner because they let this two-and-a-half-year-old
run wild in our home. The child stomped my foot, gouged my dining
room table with the handle of a spoon, and told her great-grandmother,
"I don't like you!" That is only a small sample of her horrible behavior,
which her parents dismiss or think is cute. The conflict is getting
nasty. Some guests left early, and other family members are saying
hateful things about this child. Help!
ANSWER: This is indeed a difficult dilemma.
Naturally, you may consider having a discussion about this behavior
with your grandchild's parents, but likely you have already tried
this and failed, with your comments being received as criticism rather
than support. But do not give up! There are some positive possibilities
on the horizon.
First, keep in mind that if your granddaughter is
acting this poorly at your home, this is very likely happening at
other places, too. Sooner or later, the parents will have to grapple
with this situation. They may not, however, be ready to do so at this
time. There may also be a difference in child-rearing philosophy between
the generations. It is not uncommon for children to act out any tension
at holiday gatherings, which only intensifies the problem. And two
years of age is a notorious period for doing just that!
Regardless, the need for discipline will eventually
become evident to the parents, and they will find themselves needing
to set limits. In the meanwhile, you are certainly welcome to do your
best to let the parents know that this state of affairs is very trying.
But you can also make POSITIVE suggestions for activities, or structure
the environment at family gatherings so that it is kid-friendly, rather
than only adult-oriented.
To begin with, clarify your house rules. Let your
granddaughter know it is not acceptable to bang hard objects on the
table or stomp on people's feet in your house. But do not stop there!
To help channel her energies more appropriately, offer some child-centered
activities.
For example, involve your granddaughter in helping
cook the family dinner. She will love stirring the batter for a holiday
bread. You might even bake a few cookies just for her. This will not
only encourage her to cooperate with your house rules, but also develop
the bond between grandparent and grandchild.
Be aware that her acting-out may be an expression
of anger or boredom. Make sure there is plenty to entertain her while
adults are talking. Buy or rent some children's videos, and suggest
to the parents that they bring a couple of favorite videos, books
or toys. If she is getting out of control, suggest that a parent (or
another interested relative!) take her for a walk around the block
to let off steam, or to a park to play. Consider having some children's
toys, such as a tricycle or some other riding toys, available for
outdoor activity. Some families handle this situation by taking turns
"playing" with the child.
Consider whether you have gone the extra mile to make
a positive difference in this situation. Be willing to accommodate,
and have patience. Rest assured, such "cuteness" eventually wears
off, even for parents. Her parents will no doubt help their daughter
learn self-control through effective discipline within the next two
years. And by age four, there is a world of difference in a child's
ability for self-control.
Be proactive in helping to manage this situation.
This may be the best course of action you can take at this time. In
this way, you will avoid criticizing, and you will show your willingness
to be a part of the solution. After all, isn't that what family is
all about?
