QUESTION: I have a grandson who is four
and a half years old. He is a bright child. The problem is his single,
divorced mom. She constantly "pops" him with a paint stirrer for the
most minor behavior. She hollers at him, pinches him, and spanks him
with a switch, with little provocation. She seems to take her anger
and frustrations out on him. I have tried to take her aside and talk
to her about this, but she says that he is just a bad boy and needs
to be punished. After our Christmas family dinner, my grandson ran
out to my car and begged to come home with me. He said he was afraid
to go home. Whenever he is in his mother's presence he is constantly
keeping eye contact with her to see if he is doing the right thing.
Her attitude is that she will not let him get away with anything or
he will take advantage of her. Are these signs of an abusive parent?
What can we do?
ANSWER: Indeed your grandson's fear
and over-vigilance of his mother's behavior alone can be signs of
abuse. And your observations of her actions and attitude towards parenting
increase the likelihood that your suspicions are correct. Be aware
that this is not because she is a single parent, but because she may
lack basic parenting skills. Children are harmed by abuse every day
in both two-parent families and single-parent families.
Discipline should be a part of helping children learn
to control themselves. Age-appropriate considerations must be a part
of this equation. And nurturing healthy self-esteem in children is
essential to helping them learn how to control their own behavior.
It is very likely that your grandson's mother needs intervention to
help her understand the nature of positive discipline.
As you have already realized, voicing your concerns
privately to your grandson's mother when she acts inappropriately
should be the first step. In your case, however, this has not helped.
Although in normal family circumstances I would advise a grandparent
not to criticize a parent's methods in front of a child, in an abusive
situation the usual respect for parental authority is necessarily
challenged. That means it is appropriate for you to speak out against
the abusive behavior, even in your grandson's presence. Your grandson
can benefit from hearing that his mother's actions are not in line
with what others expect. A protest against abuse reflects the fact
that society does not agree with the way the child is being treated.
Silence sends the message that everything is all right, when it is
definitely not!
But that is not all you can do. Since you have already
tried to approach the mother without success, you should now consider
reporting your observations to Child Protective Services in the county
in which your grandson and his mother reside. (The directory assistance
operator can help you locate the correct phone number.) Once alerted,
CPS should begin an investigation into this matter.
Although this may sound extreme to you, there is a
possibility that your grandchild is at risk in an abusive situation
that requires your involvement, and that of any other adults who have
witnessed this child's distress. Your report to CPS is, in effect,
a request for an assessment, not for a condemnation of the mother.
Be careful, too, that your own attitude is not one of criticizing
the mother, but of helping her. Authorities can then determine the
seriousness of the situation and figure out the best way to help both
her and her child. Perhaps you can be an important partner in this
process.
CPS exists to protect our children. If its investigation
determines there may be a problem, its first approach is generally
to get a parent on track with parenting classes, family therapy, and
identification of competent family members who may serve to be the
"conscience" for parents who are either overwhelmed or lack appropriate
judgment in parenting (perhaps because they had been abused themselves).
Once a person becomes a parent, that person is accountable
to society to act in the child's best interests. Your grandson's mother
is no exception. She appears to need help with guidelines in several
areas of parenting, including dealing with her own frustrations without
taking them out on her child. Help her by creating a situation in
which she is accountable for her behavior. It's possible that she,
too, has been the victim of abuse. But this is no excuse! Bringing
her behavior to the attention of the authorities may give her the
opportunity to stem the tide of abuse, instead of passing it down
to the next generation.
Children die every day from strangulation and hitting
by overwrought parents who believe their child is at fault. It is
our job as adults in society to protect children. If the disaster
we fear does happen, we are morally (though not legally) responsible
for having failed to take action. Sometimes we simply have to get
involved!
While it is possible that reporting your observations
to CPS may create tension between you and your grandchild's mother,
at least temporarily, it is also the case that an intervention in
which others add their voice to yours will eventually allow her to
perceive you as an ally against the abuse. This is indeed quite a
hurdle to get over, but it is what we hope for in this situation.
After all, what are families for, if not to help each other confront
our demons and work through problems that cause us pain rather than
joy in our family relationships?
If, after careful consideration, you are still hesitant
to report the abuse yourself, consider asking a person who has observed
the situation and agrees with your concerns to make the call. If you
are concerned about repercussions from the mother, you may find that
you can report the incident without divulging your identity as the
grandparent. And certainly, if the father is on the scene, by all
means talk to him before reporting, and get him involved in a solution
if at all possible! (A father is legally responsible for any abuse
if he was aware of it and took no action to stop it.) You may also
consider seeking professional advice from a family counselor to clarify
the best way for you to proceed in this delicate but crucial situation.
Your grandson's cry for help is directed towards you
as a trusted adult. He is counting on you to shed some light on the
situation!
