QUESTION: My children are grown --
26, 23 and 20. But I have a huge problem. I married someone opposite
to myself -- certainly not a soul mate. After 28 years of marriage
I am lonely and devastated at the personal loss resulting from staying
together for the kids and the religious belief that marriage is once
and for all. I am so lonely and sad -- and to top it off, my dad died
two months ago. I am really grappling with values and concerns about
how to survive within myself. My children have come first, although
my husband took more effort than the kids. Now I'm having difficulty
with loneliness and a sense of personal need that won't go away. My
marriage is a mess, my behavior is bad, and I can't make a decision
to leave. I'm not certain if it's the religion or the compulsive connection
with my partner. It's all so destructive. Please help.
ANSWER: Your father's death has triggered
grief about your own sacrifices in your marriage. You are also just
emerging from the family lifecycle stage of raising children which
precipitates a major realignment of the couples' relationship. The
combination of adjusting to an empty nest with a beleaguered marriage
and losing your father must feel altogether overwhelming, if not truly
devastating.
The emotional toll of your father's death compounded
the loss you were already experiencing of your children, around whom
you have structured your life. It is natural to feel lonely and bereft,
even if your marriage was healthy. The disappointment in your marriage
further complicates your bereavement. Please don't castigate yourself
for "bad" behavior. I fervently recommend you consult a counselor
for help sorting through the cascade of feelings you are experiencing.
Without understanding your own feelings, you may make decisions that
destroy your marriage as an expression of overriding grief. Such reaction
may be highly untimely and precipitous. You are in danger of projecting
all of the pain you are presently feeling onto the marriage.
Your choice to stay in your marriage "for the children"
and despite the fact that your husband has not been your "soul mate"
suggests that you may have been more "married" to the children than
to your husband. But there is no reason that you cannot change this.
No doubt there is much to be worked through, and you are the one who
has lost your involvement in the children so it is you who is feeling
the "yearning" for something more. Your loneliness is real. But this
does not mean that your marriage is necessarily hopeless.
It may be that your relationship with your husband
is lacking the deep connection you associate with someone of more
kindred spirit. Still, you have shared much of your life together.
Perhaps you were not ready or emotionally available for intimacy previously,
nor was your husband. You may have had a love affair with the kids,
and perhaps he with his work. (You don't say whether you had a job
outside the home.) It is now possible to develop more connection since
the children have left the nest. Your needs are important fuel for
this relationship! Finally, one of you is addressing the lack of intimacy
between you. What is the meaning of your "compulsive" attachment to
your spouse? Though it may be true that you fell out of love, surely
you feel some sense of fondness for this man who has shared your life.
You certainly have every right to leave the marriage
if you feel it is truly in your best interests. But start by finding
out who you are at this crossroads, first. What about your father's
death might have created a resurgence of yearning for a "soul mate"?
How might this have been compounded by no longer having your children
at home to care for? Was it the closeness you shared with your Dad
that you miss? Or the love you did not have with him that you so yearned
for as a young girl? Did his passing mean that you no longer had to
live up to his standards? Or that you, too are mortal and must live
your life now before it is too late?
Fathers are important figures around whom we as daughters
forge our romantic ideals. Your ability to yearn for the closeness
of a "soul mate" is a sign that there is a passion inside of you that
does need expression. Discover what that is, beginning with yourself,
your motherhood, the choices not taken and the path you did travel.
Take the time and space to mourn your father, explore past regrets
and develop new interests and activities in your life. After 26 years
of motherhood, it will take a bit of time to restructure your life
so that it makes sense again! If you're not working, find a job you'd
enjoy, and or do volunteer work. Become engaged with life. After you
have recovered your bearings, strongly suggest to your husband that
you enter couples' therapy to address the changes you need in the
marriage.
Take your needs seriously and do not settle for less
than what you need to make the marriage work for you. Do, however,
honor yourself and your husband by taking the time to thoroughly assess
what you are going through at this time in your life. You owe yourself
a period of deep self-exploration to ensure that you do not jump prematurely
out of the frying pan and into the fire!
