QUESTION: My hubby is very hot-tempered.
When he's angry, he shouts at me in front of our housekeeper or his
family. This makes me feel very small, as if I don't have value or
I don't exist. During the Christmas season, he got a bit irritated
with me and shouted at me in front of his brother. I was so humiliated!
We've talked about his temper problem (I think he is trying to control
it) but when he erupts ... he really EXPLODES! I told him I felt extremely
humiliated and I cried.
Please help me.
ANSWER: The test of any relationship
lies in rewarding vulnerability instead of punishing it. Your husband
must establish respect for your feelings if the intimacy you now share
is to remain intact. Failure to respond to your needs will encourage
guardedness, while respectful behavior will promote honesty. Trust
will either be strengthened at this point in your marriage or it will
begin to splinter. Yet it is also possible that the role you take
in the marriage may contribute to his disrespect.
Your husband's disrespectful behavior is damaging
to the ongoing intimacy in your marriage. Where did he learn this
kind of relating? Explore together the family patterns that are the
blueprints for husband-wife relationships. Did his father take out
frustration on his mother -- or vice versa? If so, was this tolerated
by the other spouse? Do you take responsibility for decision-making
and running the household together with your husband, or do you take
a more passive, childlike role, making you vulnerable to disrespect?
Your experience of the housekeepers may suggest that you are agreeing
to let him "run" things when it reduces your stress, but he may be
carrying more of the stressful decision-making in the family than
is fair. This could result in resentment resulting from over-responsibility
in the marriage. But it is still no excuse for his denigrating behavior
toward you!
Ask your husband if there is anything that is bothering
him about the division of responsibility in the family. He is fortunate
to be married to a woman who requires respect as a part of a healthy
marriage. He gets credit for choosing a woman who would inevitably
require change in his "explosive" behavior toward her. Now it is time
for him to meet this challenge by changing the way he is dealing with
frustration in your relationship.
Ask him to consider any resentments he may be holding
toward you that he is not expressing directly. Be open to accepting
his appropriate expressions of anger, but not verbal put-downs. Marriage
is created on duality. Be willing to reflect on your part as well
as your husband's contributions to distress in your marriage. Refer
to books such as "Intimate Partners" by Maggie Scarf for exercises
and discussion to help you develop the kind of intimate relationship
you desire.
If your husband continues to express his frustration
in ways that humiliate you, establish your boundaries by withdrawing
from the situation. Make it clear that you love him, but that you
will not stay in a situation with him when he "explodes" on you. It
may be that you will have to follow through on walking away from his
verbal abuse several times before he gets the message and is motivated
to change, including getting professional help if needed. Be willing
to go to couples' counseling if you do not experience progress in
addressing this problem on your own.
You are experiencing the pain of your husband's behavior.
However, disrespectful behavior toward you cannot leave him with positive
feelings about himself, either. He is not only eroding the intimacy
between you, but his own self-esteem as well.
Continue to be the voice for change in your marriage.
Like the miners who carried delicate canaries into the coal mines
to signal the danger of thinning oxygen, your voice is the canary
for the viability of your relationship.
