QUESTION: I have been in a relationship
with the same guy for nine years. About six years ago, we considered
marriage but decided to postpone it until we were older. I am ready
now. Now he says he is not sure if he believes in the institution.
His parents divorced when he was about 21 ... which also happens to
be when we decided to wait. Although he knows that his parents are
better off, their divorce has really affected our relationship. There
is no "we" anymore. We have talked about this at great length, expressing
our feelings openly and honestly. When I ask him if "we" are going
to get through this, he says "yes, we are." How can I help him see
the benefits of marriage -- or should I just wait and hope?
ANSWER: It was inevitable that your
boyfriend's blueprints for marital interaction would be affected by
what he witnessed in his parents' relationship. But experiencing your
parents' divorce can also be beneficial to developing an independent
model for healthy partnership. In fact, Judith Wallerstein noted in
her book "The Good Marriage" that adults who came from divorced families
were often able to forge more satisfying relationships than those
whose families remained intact, presumably because of the consciousapproach
they took to creating their own partnerships. Unconscious modeling
of dysfunctional patterns is more likely to recur when the partners
have not examined their respective parental blueprints. Examination
of the past is necessary in order to separate what you like and want
to keep from what you don't like and would rather throw out!
The good news is that your boyfriend is aware of the
negativity of his parents' marriage. But he has yet to recover from
the pain their relationship caused him. Any conflict reminds him of
Mom and Dad!
A key element to success in any marriage is the ability
to effectively resolve conflict. Communication skills which encourage
rather than truncate discussions are necessary tools for negotiating
and understanding one another. Another critical element to happy marriages
is the presence of empathy in the relationship. Being understood and
feeling that your partner listens to you contributes enormously to
the natural evolution of problem-solving required in all partnerships.
It could prove beneficial for your boyfriend to engage
in individual counseling, or for the two of you to attend couples'
counseling with the goal of sorting through and establishing your
independent vision of a "good" marriage.
Present these ideas to your boyfriend for consideration.
Gauge his response. Prepare yourself for the possibility that your
boyfriend may be committed to repeating his parents' pattern of staying
in a long-term relationship without resolving conflict. If this is
the case, it may be necessary to reassess your own commitment to the
relationship before it becomes detrimental to you.
Be willing to work on the relationship if there's
potential, but be willing to separate if it becomes clear that your
boyfriend cannot participate in a positive vision of marriage. The
next few months will tell whether you need to take the next step together
-- or apart. Work with your partner, but do not sacrifice yourself
in the process. Martyrdom only assures the slow death of any relationship!
