QUESTION: There are some times that
I wish that my boyfriend was more sensitive to my opinions, views,
and feelings about some issues, even though he listens to what I am
saying. When I express myself about an issue or something, he tries
to correct me or make a better point of it. And after some time of
arguing, I sometimes give in to him because his point seems better
than mine. I feel so misunderstood in certain ways, because I feel
that I have understood his views, opinions and feelings more than
he understands mine. And I tell him that I feel it's not fair that
he always has to make a point out of an issue while we are just supposed
to appreciate each other's views and opinions on it.
Does it have to do something with me not feeling
understood in the past?
ANSWER: Regardless of your past, your
experience of your boyfriend is a valid one for you. And feeling "understood"
is a key element of any successful relationship. Though your man may
not agree with you, it is important that you feel he can empathize
with you most of the time. But you must be clear about the difference
between needing him to agree with you and feeling understood.
Reflect on whether or not your boyfriend is "opinionated"
or just having an opinion. To be "opinionated" means that the person
has an opinion and his view is the only "right" one. If he very often
invalidates your opinion because he believes his perspective and feelings
are the only ones that should be considered, then he is missing the
value of differences in a relationship. Consider also the reasons
for "giving up" your opinion. Have your views and feelings been altered
by a fresh perspective which you decide to incorporate, or do you
just feel "worn down"?
Let your boyfriend know how you are feeling in the
relationship. Discover what the meaning of these discussions holds
for your relationship. Is there some way to share your feelings about
your views and opinions separate from the "point" you are trying to
get across?
Focusing on the process of how the dynamics of the
discussion feels to both of you is far more important than settling
the content. The health of your relationship derives from your feelings
about each other. And the extent to which you both find your relationship
nurturing is pivotal to having a future together, regardless of your
shared similarities or divergent perspectives.
Healthy relationships allow for differences in points
of view without diminishing the good feelings of love and respect
that flow between you. Differences are inevitable in any relationship.
Consider just the fact that one of you is raised as a female and one
of you as a male! This alone can create totally different experiences
and perspectives of the world. The richness of your relationship is
developed through sharing the very different perspectives each of
you brings to the table. Though your boyfriend may never experience
things in exactly the same way as you do, it will benefit him to be
curious and interested in understanding the world through your eyes
to better know and appreciate you!
Listen to your instincts about what you need in your
relationship. You are right to believe in appreciation of differences
rather than "winning" an argument!
