I was just starting to show when she was
born, and really feel as though I missed out on the *whole* pregnancy.
To add to her early birth, I had to have a c-section, so I feel
very unconnected to my daughter's birth. I feel as though I've missed
out on something very important.
Right after her birth, just the sight of
a very pregnant woman was enough to start the tears. Now when I
think I am OK about the whole thing, I still find that a seemingly
*innocent* situation will trigger my grief. Which tells me I am
not really over it.
I would like to deal with this, as I know
that it is important not to ignore these feelings. Maybe I will
never get over the loss, but would like to know that I did my best
to deal with it, and to move forward with that part of my life.
How can I begin to get a handle on this and come to a place where
I feel OK about what happened?
ANSWER: Pregnancy and birth are life changing experiences.
It is often difficult in our society to grieve a traumatic childbirth
process because we are told that because the baby is healthy there
should be no remorse! In essence, women are often made to feel guilty
if they have a need to work through childbirth trauma at all.
Pregnancy and childbirth are also preparation for
motherhood. In your case, both the readiness for labor and meeting
your baby were severely curtailed. In addition to the crisis accompanying
your daughter's prematurity, this abbreviation of personal development
could have left you reeling. It is natural that after the first
crisis resolves, your feelings about losing the normal developmental
period of the last trimester are surfacing. This kind of delayed
grieving usually takes place when you are feeling safely bonded
to your child. First birthdays commonly bring up these feelings,
as does contemplation of a second pregnancy.
In my book, "An Easier Childbirth" are visualization
exercises for completing unfinished experiences of labor and birth.
Read through these and see if any are useful to you. Know that your
feelings are normal, and unsupported in our present society. Working
through these feelings of loss around an important and formative
feminine experience is necessary for your self esteem. Recovery
of what was lost of ourselves in any physically and emotionally
traumatic event is a critical part of re-integration, or healing.
The word "healing" is derived from the Old English, which literally
translates to mean "to bring together", "to synthesize"...to make
"whole". You are in the process of making yourself whole again.
Be patient with yourself. The process of healing
will present itself in stages. Perhaps you are just now feeling
safe enough with your child to experience the first stage of loss
for yourself around the childbirth event. You may notice that subsequent
birthdays also are cause for some review and that when you are pregnant
again, these feelings resurface strongly for your consideration.
If possible, seek an expert in prenatal counseling to assist you
during the subsequent pregnancy and birth. ( I would be happy to
provide you with a list of the prenatal counseling graduates I have
trained who specialize in this area, should you desire it at that
time). Be kind to yourself. Childbirth is an extraordinary event
despite its commonality. Do not expect yourself to be done with
it quickly. Like any life event of great magnitude, it takes time
to integrate. Any pressure to "get over it" is counterproductive,
but indicative of our societal view that the event of childbirth
is itself insignificant.
Below is a brief excerpt from my article, "Childbirth:
The Ordinary Miracle" published in the Pre and Perinatal Psychology
Journal. It underscores the significance of the childbirth event
on a woman's psyche, and the need for addressing rather than ignoring
a woman's need to process the experience.
from: CHILDBIRTH: THE ORDINARY MIRACLE:
"......Childbirth is and always will be a woman's experience. .....It
is an experience of sufficient power to generate tremendous amounts
of anxiety, fear, excitement and anticipation. Labor is not by it's
nature, a neutral event. Our experience of ourselves and our sense
of personal identity is in constant flux with our life's unfolding.
Because of the intensity of such an experience as childbirth and
all that it entails, it is one that will help formulate a woman's
identity. Like any powerfully significant event in our lives, it
has the potential for mastery or it can overwhelm, empower or devastate.
.....A woman needs opportunity to explore the relationship to her
changing body and identity .......
There is no right method or experience. There
is a basic need to psychologically metabolize all that
is happening!.......Giving birth will tend to be integrative
or disintegrative, depending on the support, preparation
and acceptance of her feelings before, during and after the birth.
Her sense of maintaining psychological wholeness throughout the
labor, whatever the method or kind of birth, is key to a positive
sense of self. Giving birth is an experience of great magnitude.
It naturally follows that the more intact a woman feels emotionally,
the easier it is for her body to adapt to the intensity of the
labor, as heightened amounts of fear can give messages in some
women for the brain to shut off labor. Self-esteem is a
part of health...
.......To support women's self-esteem through
this very important transition to motherhood, we must begin prenatally
and continue through the postpartum period. The only hindrance
to addressing this is the UNconscious societal belief that this
is not an experience which warrants such attention. Perhaps it
is missed because it is such a common experience---this miracle
that is pregnancy and birth---that we forget that it is an incredibly
powerful and unknown force in so many ways. Perhaps we mistake
the scientific ability to describe an event for understanding
its essence"..........."
from CHILDBIRTH: THE ORDINARY MIRACLE
by Gayle Peterson,
appearing on ParentsPlace.com
published by Pre and Perinatal Psychology Journal Winter 1996
