QUESTION: I am having a problem coping
with balancing a career, being a wife and a good mother. I have a
nine-month-old son who is just a wonderful baby. He does want a lot
of attention, which I try to give him. The problem is that I have
a career (we need my income)and I drive an hour to work and an hour
home plus put in a full work day. My husband does not get home until
8pm so I am left taking care of the baby, making dinner and making
sure that things are taken care of for the next day. I am not the
cleanest person and my husband is a neat freak. My husband gets on
to me when the house is not clean or I leave things out. I don't feel
like I can handle very much of this much longer. I can't say that
I am depressed, but I know that I am not happy. I just need some help
on balancing a few things and how to ask my husband for assistance.
ANSWER: You are clearly overworking.
Talk with your husband about sharing equally in all work that needs
to be done, including making dinners and readying your child for the
next day!
Also, consider the possibility of cutting back on
income temporarily while your child is still young. Is it possible
to have one of you work part time instead of full time for a limited
period until your child is at least old enough to benefit from preschool
placement? We are raised in a culture which supports career over nurturance
in the family. Is it possible that you and your husband could arrange
to either live on less, or even take out a loan to allow one of you
more time at home in your son's first two years of life? If, after
discussing the pros and cons of such an endeavor, you both agree that
you must continue your present time allotment to career over family
time, consider getting help for everything possible from housecleaning
to cooking. Prioritize responsibilities and establish an equal share
for household and child-care duties. And strive to carve out time
to relate each evening about things other than household chores and
finances.
Though it is a popular myth that you can "have it
all," in truth there are always trade-offs. Discuss with your husband
what these trade-offs will be. Consider compromising "neatness" for
relating. Lowering for things such as household cleaning may pay off
in greater time to enjoy family life and spontaneous relating. Agreeing
to prioritize what is most important in your lives together will protect
against resentment developing between you in the future. Marriage
is a two-way street. You must both feel that there is an equitable
balance between what is given and what is taken in the relationship
to maintain the affection so critical to family health.
Remember, too, that your child will be a baby for
only a short while longer. These early years are important and irreplaceable.
It is during this time that your son's emotional foundation is established.
Discuss putting family relating first on weekends and in the evenings.
Develop weekly outings that encourage family fun and bonding despite
busy week-day schedules. Taking hikes, going to the zoo and in other
ways sharing the enjoyment of parenting is an important part of your
family's development at this time. The success of your ability to
enjoy your son together will determine the strength of your family
bonds in the future.
Do not wait for depression to take hold before talking
with your husband. Take your sense of general malaise and dissatisfaction
seriously. They are signals of a gap in your marital relationship.
Take time to catch up on the changes that parenthood has brought each
of you. And develop a plan to increase family time together and recapture
your positive feelings for each other.
Let your husband know that you need his help, not
his criticism. Show him your vulnerability, and ask him to take his
place as a partner on your team, rather than a heckler in the stands!
