QUESTION: I have been married
for 12 years. My problem is simple: How do I fall back in love with
my husband? I know I still love and care for him -- I wouldn't do
anything to hurt him for the world. But how do I feel that zing when
he touches me?
ANSWER: Two great romance killers in
marriage are loss of individuality and lack of respect. They merge
so that we cannot feel our lover as a respected "other" and lose sight
of the unique qualities that attracted us to begin with. The old adage,
"How can I miss you if you don't go away?" illustrates that attraction
is based on healthy individuality. Too much separateness can cause
alienation and loneliness, but too much togetherness blurs the autonomy
we need to feel that we are chosen by -- not stuck with -- our partners.
It is fair to say that feeling a "zing" every time
your husband touches you is unrealistic for any long-term relationship.
We should strive for interaction patterns that create a healthy sense
of zest and play. Some couples augment this through good-humored teasing,
others through romantic dinners or community activities.
In the early stages of courtship we may experience
stimulation at our partner's presence -- even his voice. In a long-term
relationship it becomes necessary to take responsibility for noticing
how you "turn on" to your husband. Ask yourself what needs to happen
for your mind and body to be romantically primed.
Don't be shy. Be willing to talk to your husband about
what causes each of you to feel romance and passion. Remember your
courtship: What qualities attracted you to one another? Try recalling
them as you look at your husband, and try to see him in a fresh way.
When you feel those feelings, express your attraction and respect.
Rest assured, you are not alone in your struggle to
sustain the spark that can only come from a healthy sense of individualism
in your partnership. The balance is a delicate and ever-changing dance,
and it's not too late to invite your husband to explore ways to develop
your marital choreography.
