QUESTION: I am 35 and getting back
together with my ex-husband whom I have already married and divorced
twice in the past. We are thinking of marrying again now that we both
have good careers, and are very supportive to one another. We do have
a 13-year-old son from our previous marriage, but the love we feel
now couldn't even compare with that of before! Are we making a mistake?
ANSWER: It is unlikely that "love" has
a lot to do with the reasons the two of you divorced in the past.
Research shows that it is more likely that your relationship dissolved
due to unresolved conflict. You appear to maintain passion through
a dance of alternating closeness and distance. Divorce has likely
functioned to regulate the needs for closeness and distance in your
relationship which you were unable to master.
Intimacy requires a conscious regulation of the needs
for togetherness and autonomy, yet the two of you avoided developing
this dimension of the relationship. Rather than finding successful
means for negotiation, you were forced to depend on outside agencies
(the legal system) to solve conflicting needs.
Why not leave "good enough" alone? You and your ex-husband
have a cooperative and supportive relationship. Only half of divorced
parents are able to be friends following divorce. Establish stability
for your son. And consider the significance of the trauma your son
has endured in twice witnessing the break up of his family. A third
remarriage would cause your son renewed anxiety. Your present situation
is positive. Why upset the balance for romantic reasons that have
not borne out in the past?
Your son may be learning that romance and passion
alone do not ensure a commitment to marriage. He may even avoid relationship
based on the confusion his parents' marriages represent. Consider
his needs in the equation. Seek to understand the impact of the emotional
roller coaster that you and his father precipitated for him. This
kind of emotional instability can prove problematic for him. Spend
time devoted to being the best parents you can be together and let
that inform any possible decision about remarriage.
Decision-making, negotiating skills and communication
are key elements to success in marriage. Sustained passion and romance
is often a result of an ability to communicate and work together to
fulfill each other's needs. Although you and your ex-husband may,
indeed, love one another more than ever, it does not mean you have
the ability to sustain this love in the context of marriage!
Consider couples counseling to explore the reality
vs. the fantasy of remarriage. And ask yourselves the reasons for
another remarriage. Why do you want to marry? What does marriage mean
to you at this point in time? If after a thorough examination you
are able to identify what needs to change in order to succeed at living
together in harmony, proceed to establish these new relationship patterns
before considering a third trip to the alter with each other.
