QUESTION: My husband and I have a
unique situation. We met on a book lovers mailing list on the internet.
We corresponded for 6 months on a daily basis, and after 3 months
began to speak on the phone daily. He is from Australia and I am American.
Last Feb he came to visit me and we got married. We were very deeply
in love and I am still in love with him. We are both in our early
thirties and I don't think we had any serious illusions about what
a relationship in real life would be like. Since our marriage we have
been plagued with difficulties.
1. We feel as though we are divided by a common
language. Subtleties and gestures mean entirely different things.
Hence we have extra communication problems.
2. He has a son in Australia. and an abysmal
relationship with the mother.He misses his son terribly.
3. He is homesick for a culture with which he
is familiar and is resisting assimilation.
4. We have a different moral code about money.
And we are in debt.
I fear that as a result of all these stressors
he and I have lost much of the romantic spark that so many newlywed
couples share.I feel he still loves me and he says he does, but little
things indoicate that he is no longer thinking of my needs on a regular
basis, as I do him. He seems depressed and doesn't cheer up easily.
If I try to come up with things for us to do I am told that it is
not my repsonsibility, but he mopes if we just sit around ("wasted
evenings"). I love this man so much and I want this to work. He has
a dark personality, but I can't distinguish between his personality
and moods. Sometimes when I ask him why he seems unhappy he says he
isn't. I fear he just doesn't want to talk about his feelings.
Is marriage just this difficult? We are trying
so hard.
ANSWER: There is no such thing as instant
intimacy. Getting to know one another takes time in daily face to
face interaction and there are no short cuts for establishing differences
and creating avenues for appropriate compromise. Relationships that
develop through correspondence leave much to the imagination and you
are likely to fill in your "perfect partner" without even knowing
it. Compromise is rarely romantic, and you obviously skirted your
differences in the whirlwind of "falling in love". The truth is that
the only thing you could be certain about when you decided to meet
in person is that there would be illusions to shatter!
It took a little time, but indeed your romantic bubble
has burst, and in your case, the fall from such a high emotional state
was abrupt and unexpected. The effects of such a "fall " out of romance
can be devastating to any marriage. Romance is illusion to some extent
and there is plenty of room for fantasy! But in the spirit of being
kind to yourself, it is fair to state that many a relationship has
endured the same fate, even with face to face courtship. "Falling
in love" has been teasingly defined by the late Carl Whitaker, father
of family therapy, as "loss of self with hysterical dynamics in the
forefront". So, perhaps many couples make the important choice for
a life partner in the throes of a highly unstable emotional condition!
The real work in the marriage may indeed come with
"falling out of love" and into reality. You do still feel love for
your partner, so all is not lost. And he states his love for you.
But you are right to be confused by what is his depression and what
is his character. The good news is that he seems to know the problem
is with himself and not your marriage. But his depression would be
an impediment to intimacy in any relationship. Yet, it is so important
that you be able to get to know the man you married! Treatment of
his depression is of the essence. The sooner he treats his depression
the better chance your marriage has to succeed.
Your situation holds many of the usual conflicts couples
must resolve such as money and past emotional baggage. But there is
also the additional difficulties inherent in blending two different
cultural as well as personal backgrounds. All of these issues create
stress on your relationship and will need to be addressed over time,
for they are natural parts of the development of any marriage. But
in your case, you are struggling to handle all of them at once. And
your newly betrothed is depressed to boot! No wonder you feel overwhelmed
by the difficulty in your marriage.
Slow down. Establish some part of the relationship
that is kept stress free, so you can enjoy time together. Even if
it is only a movie and dinner, make time to spend with each other.
Develop your friendships to help you through this period of your husband's
depression, for he will not be available for you to lean too heavily
upon, until he resolves some of his past pain and present malaise.
Require that your husband get help to address his
depression before attempting marital counseling, but consider couple's
treatment at some point in the future to solidify your marriage. Let
him know you love him and ask what you can do to support his recovery.
Tell him you are "missing" him in the relationship. Be supportive
of him, but do not accept his passivity towards his own despair.
Marriage is teamwork. Perhaps the two of you will
need to fight the dragon of your husband's depression before getting
on with a shared vision for the life you have before you. And if you
are lucky, maybe you will find a clear destination to one another's
hearts after the fog has lifted. It is too early to tell whether the
pot at the end of the rainbow still holds gold. But you owe it to
yourselves to do your best to find out.
